Get up, get get, get down, 911's a joke in your town!
11:30 last night. Doorbell rings. Dave is sound asleep and snoring next to me, I wake his ass up and tell him there's someone at the door. He throws on some shorts and a t-shirt and goes to the door. Two cops greet him.
COP: "Is this the Hyatt residence?"
DAVE: (yawning) "Yeah. What can I help you with?"
COP: "Is Laura Hyatt here?"
DAVE: "Yeah, that's my wife. What's going on?"
COP: "Sir, we need to speak to Mrs. Hyatt. This is personal."
ME: (by this time, I'm halfway down the stairs, in my undies and a t-shirt) "I'm Lara Hyatt, officer. What do you need?"
COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, did you just come home from work?"
ME: "No, I don't work. I'm a stay at home mom. What is this about?"
COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, we received an anonymous call that you came home from work depressed, were threatening to commit suicide and take your children with you. You do have three children here with you?"
ME: "Actually, I only have one child. And as you can see, I am absolutely fine, you just woke my ass up. Do I look like I want to commit suicide?"
COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, the caller was quite specific with your name and this address. He said your children were in danger and we needed to come assess the situation."
ME: "You need to assess this fact. I was sound asleep, you just woke us all up, I only have one child who is 3 years old and in no way am I trying to kill myself! Get your facts straight and check the address and name."
COP: "So you're sure you are not depressed and considering suicide?"
ME: "I'm a 100% positive, officer. You have the wrong person."
COP: "Let me call dispatch and confirm. (gets on radio) Dispatch, can you please give me name and address on possible suicide?" (waits a while) "Confirm the name, dispatch. Higall, at 811 @#$. Over and out."
ME: "Seeing how my last name is Hyatt and this is 801 @#$, I think you have both the wrong person and the wrong address."
COP: "Huh, we're sorry for disturbing you, Mr. and Mrs. Hyatt. Have a good night."
ME: "Same to you. (under my breath) Damn stupid motherfuckers."
Your tax dollars at work. Fucking retards.
COP: "Is this the Hyatt residence?"
DAVE: (yawning) "Yeah. What can I help you with?"
COP: "Is Laura Hyatt here?"
DAVE: "Yeah, that's my wife. What's going on?"
COP: "Sir, we need to speak to Mrs. Hyatt. This is personal."
ME: (by this time, I'm halfway down the stairs, in my undies and a t-shirt) "I'm Lara Hyatt, officer. What do you need?"
COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, did you just come home from work?"
ME: "No, I don't work. I'm a stay at home mom. What is this about?"
COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, we received an anonymous call that you came home from work depressed, were threatening to commit suicide and take your children with you. You do have three children here with you?"
ME: "Actually, I only have one child. And as you can see, I am absolutely fine, you just woke my ass up. Do I look like I want to commit suicide?"
COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, the caller was quite specific with your name and this address. He said your children were in danger and we needed to come assess the situation."
ME: "You need to assess this fact. I was sound asleep, you just woke us all up, I only have one child who is 3 years old and in no way am I trying to kill myself! Get your facts straight and check the address and name."
COP: "So you're sure you are not depressed and considering suicide?"
ME: "I'm a 100% positive, officer. You have the wrong person."
COP: "Let me call dispatch and confirm. (gets on radio) Dispatch, can you please give me name and address on possible suicide?" (waits a while) "Confirm the name, dispatch. Higall, at 811 @#$. Over and out."
ME: "Seeing how my last name is Hyatt and this is 801 @#$, I think you have both the wrong person and the wrong address."
COP: "Huh, we're sorry for disturbing you, Mr. and Mrs. Hyatt. Have a good night."
ME: "Same to you. (under my breath) Damn stupid motherfuckers."
Your tax dollars at work. Fucking retards.
posted by Lara at 2:07 PM
22 Comments:
et pendant ce temps-là...
à une autre adresse...
un autre nom...
UN DRAME SE TRAME!!!
et ils arriveront trop tard...
how about the picture?
Exactly!!! They are wasting their time at my house, insisting I"M the one who wants to commit suicide, meanwhile some lady 4 houses down is slashing her wrists...Typical American cops.
Did you just take that picture?
Did you cut your hair????
non, désolé... c'est une vieille photo.
euh... vieille... ça veut dire qu'elle date de deux ans et demi... actuellement j'ai plus de cheveux, dont quelques blancs... plus de rides, et je rigole plus...
un de ces quatre, je ferai une photo juste pour toi. si tu te suicides pas avant.
I have a LOT of white hairs... that's why I use hair dye. No wrinkles whatsoever to speak of (but that's what happens when your face is fat). I laugh all the time too. I read in a medical journal that you can burn calories by laughing at least 10 times a day.
Don't worry. No danger of suicide here.
Take the damn picture now.
ce que je voulais dire c'est que je NE rigole PLUS
la langue française n'est pas très claire avec "plus"
on sait jamais si c'est plus = more / better, ou plus = no more!...
à part ça je suis assez fier de mes rides et de mes cheveux blancs
Yeah, in fact when I first read it, I thought you said you didn't have ANY hair.
Why don't you laugh anymore? There's always some shit about your life you can laugh at. Or about someone else's misery.
I'm online right now, looking at pictures of hairstyles, I need to cut my damn hair, it's down to the middle of my back. Every picture I look at is from the 1980's. Shit.
I know that you're online right now, 'cause I'm online too! c'est un luxe rare de pouvoir "dialoguer" en direct avec toi!
j'ai parlé de toi à ma mère aujourd'hui et elle m'a dit qu'elle se rappelle que tu étais chou (!!!) à l'époque elle t'avait vue quelques fois... quand tu avais 12 ans et demi...
je pense que ta coupe de cheveux ne va rien y changer...
Did your mother just call me a cauliflower or a cabbage? What the hell?
I remember your mom, she was cool!
Were you telling her what an idiot I am with my stories, or was it something nice?
non, elle voulait dire "chouchou" (cabbagecabbage)
et elle est encore assez cool: aujourd'hui elle a fait la piccata milanese.
Veal piccata? Yummy! One of my favorites!
Are you being a good boy and visiting mommy today?
I'm definitely NOT a good boy. mes filles étaient "chez papa" ce weekend, et j'avais un concert hier soir avec Charlotte parfois... donc elles ont dormi chez ma mère, et j'étais invité pour le dîner aujourd'hui... et c'était, oui, de la vraie piccata.
il me semble apercevoir un filet de bave s'écouler du coin de ta bouche...
Yeah, but it's not because of the piccata...
How did it go last night? Lots of people? I listened to "Les Vacances" yesterday, pretty good..
Where does Corinne live now? How often do you get to see the girls?
oulala... ça fait beaucoup à expliquer...
on vit toujours à Martigny, Corinne et moi. je vois mes filles mardi et jeudi à midi pour le dîner, et elles dorment chez moi tous les jeudi soir. et avec mon job, le weekend, c'est plus compliqué... mais on trouve un ou deux weekends par mois où elles sont avec moi...
on a un très bon contact avec mon ex-femme... c'est important... on "travaille" ensemble pour que ça se passe le mieux possible avec nos filles!
Putain de putain de merde! Je viens de tomber des escaliers! Je me suis tordue la cheville! En plus, la droite, celle que j'ai casse l'annee passee! Tout ca a cause de mes putain de trois chiens!
OUCH! CA FAIT MAL!
It's great you get along so well with your ex, I have never been divorced, but I can't even talk to my ex-boyfriends without getting royally pissed off!
kill your fuckin' dogs! un chien, c'est stupide, c'est moche, ça coûte cher et ça sert à rien! comme l'armée!
avec Corinne, on a jamais eu de chien.
bon, d'accord, ça n'a pas empêché qu'on divorce.
mais je suis assez heureux de constater qu'on peut encore discuter de manière constructive (même sans chien)
Yeah, I bet you're a pussy man. I mean you like cats. I've had my dogs for 16, 15, and 12 years. So it's kind of late to get rid of them, they're so old they'll die naturally soon. I don't want any more dogs after this. Between a kid and three dogs, all I do is clean piss and shit. Enough.
Is it bad that my foot is turning purple and green???
euh, va chez le docteur si ça devient noir...
ça m'étonne que tu n'inclues pas ton mari dans la liste (quand tu dis "Between a kid and three dogs")
il est propre, ou bien?
Trop propre! Obsede! He uses more beauty products than I do! Hair gel, hairspray, face creams, zit cream, etc. He is a total neat freak! (Except for the stains in his underwear)
I just did it again. I washed his white underwear with one of my red shirts, everything is pink. Damn it. Gonna have to bleach it all. Dave just saw it and told me "Can't you do anything right?" What a funny guy.
Bon, je vais preparer le souper (the supper). Va dormir, t'as besoin de te reposer. Un bisou sur la joue gauche, un bisou sur la droite...et encore un bisou sur la gauche. Good night, don't let the bed bugs bite.
(don't let the bed bugs bite)
bite! bite! qui a dit "bite"?
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