The True Meaning of Friendship

When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastards who made you sad.

When you are blue - I will perform the Heimlich maneuver and try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile - I will know you finally got laid and will ask you who in the hell would want to bang you.

When you are scared - I will call you a chicken-shit and make fun of you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about people who have it much worse than you, then tell you to quit whining.

When you are confused - I will call you a fucking retard and use simpler words.

When you are sick - I will stay the hell away until you get better. I don't want whatever the fuck you have.

When you fall - I will call you a fucking moron and will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Who wouldn't want me as a best friend?