My 12-Step Program to Quit Smoking

1. Wake up one morning coughing up the 60 cigarettes you had the night before. Kill small pet with your rank breath.

2. Exclaim in an expletive-filled rant that you will never smoke again. Brush teeth, tongue and back of throat until you accidentally hit one of your tonsils and vomit in sink.

3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 several times over until the first thing you do after you stop swearing and puking ISN'T to reach for a pack of those tasty Marlboro Lights.

4. Spend as much money on fucking nicotine patches as you did on your previous habit. Don't limit purchase to one brand but instead, purchase EVERY product which promises it will make you stop craving that sweet, lip-smacking taste of tobacco.
At least cigarettes promise you super bonuses such as formaldehyde poison, tar and hot, hot lung cancer.

5. Apply patch. Chew gum. Light own hair on fire if you must. DO NOT SMOKE. Rub patch for good luck. Smugly note that patch will send the signal to passers-by, friends and loved ones alike that you are most certainly NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH, annoyed or looked at. Give anyone who looks at you a preemptive "FUCK YOU" or flip them the bird.

6. Sniff an ashtray.

7. Have unbelievably graphic nightmares about gigantic cigarettes chasing you and Marlboro Man trying to shove one up your bum. Wake up in a cold sweat, but craving just one little puff. Even if it's through your asshole.

8. Rock back and forth like a mental patient, fixated - unblinkingly - on having one single drag, one small puff, one snort of tobacco scent. Rub gums with fingertips and scratch upper arms non-stop.

9. Sit on your hands to stop yourself from chewing them.

10. Prey on the weak and the small. And people with brown hair. And the fat. And the skinny. And the freckled. And the...Fuck it. Be an asshole to EVERYONE.

11. Lick an ashtray.

12. Celebrate two days without a cigarette in typical fashion: light one up.

Repeat steps 1-12 every couple of days. Satisfaction or money back guaranteed.