And God Said, Let There Be Turkeys!

Leave it to my sister in law to actually send me a Thanksgiving card featuring religion and God. What...the...freaking...hell? All this time I thought Thanksgiving was when the native Indians and the English settlers sat down to a nice meal of turkey, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie. How wrong I was. Thanksgiving is another occasion (including Easter and Christmas) to give thanks to The Lord Almighty for all He has done for us. You know, being born poor, not getting to have sex, dying and all that other stuff...
"And on the Seventh Day, God created turkeys and Indians. And He said: Let it be known that on the Third Thursday of the Eleventh Month, man shalleth kill a turkey, stuffeth its hind quarters with delicious savories, then ingest it and enjoyeth it while deviously rubbing his hands together and reminiscing of how he stoleth the Indians' home from right under their noses. This is the Word Of God. Amen."

Here are some more holidays God created:
Mother's Day: you should Thank God he created man and woman, so that you could have a mother who could get knocked up and squeeze you out of her womb.

Father's Day: what did you think? That mom did it all by herself? Thank God he created sperm.

Memorial Day: you better remember to Thank God today, or he'll kick your ass. Okay, he won't really kick your ass, but he'll send some really bad mojo your way.

4th of July: God likes his fireworks, you wankers. It's the only day of the year he gets a nice show from the U.S.A. So go all out and Thank God he invented exploding hand manglers.

Labor Day: you sorry sack of shit. You idiotic, retarded, shit-for-brains lazy bastard. You should Thank God you have a job, so you don't spend all day sitting on your Lazy Boy recliner, watching reruns of "Dukes of Hazzard" while sipping generic beer.

New Year's Eve: God's just letting you know tomorrow is the beginning of a new year for you. You should Thank Him for reminding you that you've almost made it through another year of hell.

New Year's Day: Thank God you made it through another year of hell! Now there's only 364 more days of torture to live through.