I Can Hear My Brain Rattle In My Head

1. Saw a girl named "Jennipher" on Jeopardy! last night, wanted to punch her parents in the phace.

2. Want to know what Victoria's Secret really is? It's that Victoria is a fucking idiot. Her new line of clothing is called "Pink", but that doesn't mean the clothes are pink. I saw a girl in blue sweatpants at Home Depot today, and they had PINK written on the ass in large white letters. Maybe she was describing her vagina? I don't know. The point is, I'm starting my own brand of T-shirts. They will come in many colors, but the back of the shirt will feature PANTS written in big black letters.

3. When it comes to sexual metaphors pertaining to the male genitalia, we Italians really have it the best. "Hey, check out my Italian sausage!" So lucky. The French have it pretty good too, I suppose. "Hey, check out my baguette!" But the Irish, they've got nothing. After many long hours of thinking, all I could come up with is "Hey, suck on my Guinness! And while you're down there, juggle my potatoes!" See, not cool at all.

Later, MoFo's.

Introducing "Movies in Reality!"

I have this great idea for a new reality show. We pick a classic movie, then reenact it as it would be in reality. For example, let's take the great family classic "Home Alone", starring that most fascinating of actors, McCauley Caulkin. By the way, what a fucked up name. Why didn't they just name him "Macaca"? (get it? say it together real fast)

The scene would open with the family rushing out and leaving the kid behind. The kid would wake up, realize he was left behind and would cry for hours, thinking his family had abandoned him and didn't love him anymore.

Then it would dawn on him that he had the whole house to himself, he would get that funny feeling between his legs and he'd start masturbating like crazy. You'd see him with his dad's porn stash, slathering his weenie with his mom's $90 a jar face cream, heating up fruit in the microwave to fuck, screwing stuffed animals, the couch, you name it. I guess Jameson would play the role of the kid in this movie.

There would be a short scene where the parents freak out upon realizing the child was left home. Then we'd cut to the robbers.

They would break in and for a while it would look as though the kid was getting a drop on them. Then when the kid's plan to have them step on two rakes side by side doesn't work out, the robbers would beat the shit out of him. They'd tie him up, rob the house and, just to avoid any further problems, they'd shoot the kid in the head.

The parents would find out about this through the police and be devastated. The media would rip them to shreds and hold them responsible for leaving a child behind to be killed. The father would become an alcoholic and the mother would have a nervous breakdown and commit suicide. But first here comes the best part.

When they go to the morgue to identify the body, they unzip the body bag to find his corpse doing that stupid hands to the face shtick that made the movie so popular.

Cue in the laugh track, then in big letters, "Movies in Reality!"

There are millions of movies that could be turned into reality. Imagine "Pretty Woman". The character of Julia Roberts will be played by Shaquita Shaquana Jones, last seen at the corner of Van Buren and 5th in downtown Phoenix.

A guy pulls up to the sidewalk in a Toyota Prius (it's a hybrid, you pay less for gas, leaving you more money for ass) and asks Shaquita for a date. He takes her to a Motel 6, where instead of a bubble bath, she gets a golden shower. Then the guy beats the shit out of her, rapes her anally, steals all her money and throws her out of the hotel room naked. All she got for her adventure is a fat lip and a horrendous case of crabs/herpes. She calls her pimp to come get her and gets another beating for getting all her money stolen.

Cue in the laugh track, then in big letters, "Movies in Reality!"

I think it could really work.

Rantgirls' Guide to the Origins of National Holidays

In order to keep my foreign readers educated on some American National holidays, I've decided to make a short list of the most important ones and how they came to be.

Thanksgiving- This one dates back to 1492 when God took a rib from Christopher Colombus to create the Indians. Indians were later gathered up and herded into designated areas in retaliation for strictly upholding their end of numerous agreements with the American government. We eat turkey because they have feathers, and feathers remind us of Indians and how we easily massacred them. I have no fucking clue why we eat pumpkin pie.

Arbor Day- Arbor Day was made to celebrate the Union victory at the Battle of Arbor in January 1861. When the seven cotton states seceeded from the Union, Abraham Lincoln authorized a preemptive nuclear strike on Arbor Mississippi in a desperate attempt to free the slaves. It also has something to do with trees or bushes. Some kind of plant.

Valentine's Day- Maybe the oldest of the holidays, Valentine's Day was created by an angel names St. Valentine that was sent by God to Earth to inflict pain on the poor and spread love among the privileged few that were divinely granted feelings and emotions. The legend of Cupid is a little harder to explain. It's mostly derived from myth and folklore. I think at some point in the past, some dude saw a baby on Valentine's Day. I believe it was holding a bow and arrow of some kind. It may have been hunting.

Easter- This holiday was created in the late 19th century to commemorate the invention of the egg. Scientists still couldn't figure out what came first, the chicken or the egg, but they figured there already was a holiday with poultry in it (see Thanksgiving) so they decided to give the holiday to the egg. Although the exact timing is the subject of some debate, most experts believe that sometime around 1980 the holiday was moved to a Sunday in spring in order to coincide with the fledgling Christian celebration of Jesus's resurrection. It is also believed Jesus might have been ingesting a lot of eggs prior to his death and that all the sulphurous emanations created the outline that is now known as the Shroud of Turin. He took the secret of eggs' existence back to heaven with him, not to be rediscovered until 1876, by a young fellow named Herbert Hollywittle, who was later accused of beastiality with several chickens.

Veteran's Day- Veteran's Day is a fairly new holiday, created by Major League Baseball, to recognize the contributions of players that have been in the league for at least 3 full seasons.

President's Day- Throughout history, democratic societies have elected officials to head their governments. When people want to get time off from work in these societies, they create days like President's Day. It was created by members of the banking and postal branches as an extra day for golf playing, boat riding, picnics, hikes and general loafing around the house. In the United States, the day honors Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Abraham Lincoln is famous for being the premise of the movie "Scream" as the first person being killed while watching a movie. George Washington is famous for the huge number of slaves that he bought and sold through his lifetime. Sadly, Washington was never idolized or made a movie star due to the negative connotation of the time associated with having wooden teeth.

I hope this helps all my non-American friends feel more informed and educated on how things are here in the good ole U.S.A!