Introducing "Movies in Reality!"

I have this great idea for a new reality show. We pick a classic movie, then reenact it as it would be in reality. For example, let's take the great family classic "Home Alone", starring that most fascinating of actors, McCauley Caulkin. By the way, what a fucked up name. Why didn't they just name him "Macaca"? (get it? say it together real fast)

The scene would open with the family rushing out and leaving the kid behind. The kid would wake up, realize he was left behind and would cry for hours, thinking his family had abandoned him and didn't love him anymore.

Then it would dawn on him that he had the whole house to himself, he would get that funny feeling between his legs and he'd start masturbating like crazy. You'd see him with his dad's porn stash, slathering his weenie with his mom's $90 a jar face cream, heating up fruit in the microwave to fuck, screwing stuffed animals, the couch, you name it. I guess Jameson would play the role of the kid in this movie.

There would be a short scene where the parents freak out upon realizing the child was left home. Then we'd cut to the robbers.

They would break in and for a while it would look as though the kid was getting a drop on them. Then when the kid's plan to have them step on two rakes side by side doesn't work out, the robbers would beat the shit out of him. They'd tie him up, rob the house and, just to avoid any further problems, they'd shoot the kid in the head.

The parents would find out about this through the police and be devastated. The media would rip them to shreds and hold them responsible for leaving a child behind to be killed. The father would become an alcoholic and the mother would have a nervous breakdown and commit suicide. But first here comes the best part.

When they go to the morgue to identify the body, they unzip the body bag to find his corpse doing that stupid hands to the face shtick that made the movie so popular.

Cue in the laugh track, then in big letters, "Movies in Reality!"

There are millions of movies that could be turned into reality. Imagine "Pretty Woman". The character of Julia Roberts will be played by Shaquita Shaquana Jones, last seen at the corner of Van Buren and 5th in downtown Phoenix.

A guy pulls up to the sidewalk in a Toyota Prius (it's a hybrid, you pay less for gas, leaving you more money for ass) and asks Shaquita for a date. He takes her to a Motel 6, where instead of a bubble bath, she gets a golden shower. Then the guy beats the shit out of her, rapes her anally, steals all her money and throws her out of the hotel room naked. All she got for her adventure is a fat lip and a horrendous case of crabs/herpes. She calls her pimp to come get her and gets another beating for getting all her money stolen.

Cue in the laugh track, then in big letters, "Movies in Reality!"

I think it could really work.