Rantgirls' Guide to the Origins of National Holidays
In order to keep my foreign readers educated on some American National holidays, I've decided to make a short list of the most important ones and how they came to be.
Thanksgiving- This one dates back to 1492 when God took a rib from Christopher Colombus to create the Indians. Indians were later gathered up and herded into designated areas in retaliation for strictly upholding their end of numerous agreements with the American government. We eat turkey because they have feathers, and feathers remind us of Indians and how we easily massacred them. I have no fucking clue why we eat pumpkin pie.
Arbor Day- Arbor Day was made to celebrate the Union victory at the Battle of Arbor in January 1861. When the seven cotton states seceeded from the Union, Abraham Lincoln authorized a preemptive nuclear strike on Arbor Mississippi in a desperate attempt to free the slaves. It also has something to do with trees or bushes. Some kind of plant.
Valentine's Day- Maybe the oldest of the holidays, Valentine's Day was created by an angel names St. Valentine that was sent by God to Earth to inflict pain on the poor and spread love among the privileged few that were divinely granted feelings and emotions. The legend of Cupid is a little harder to explain. It's mostly derived from myth and folklore. I think at some point in the past, some dude saw a baby on Valentine's Day. I believe it was holding a bow and arrow of some kind. It may have been hunting.
Easter- This holiday was created in the late 19th century to commemorate the invention of the egg. Scientists still couldn't figure out what came first, the chicken or the egg, but they figured there already was a holiday with poultry in it (see Thanksgiving) so they decided to give the holiday to the egg. Although the exact timing is the subject of some debate, most experts believe that sometime around 1980 the holiday was moved to a Sunday in spring in order to coincide with the fledgling Christian celebration of Jesus's resurrection. It is also believed Jesus might have been ingesting a lot of eggs prior to his death and that all the sulphurous emanations created the outline that is now known as the Shroud of Turin. He took the secret of eggs' existence back to heaven with him, not to be rediscovered until 1876, by a young fellow named Herbert Hollywittle, who was later accused of beastiality with several chickens.
Veteran's Day- Veteran's Day is a fairly new holiday, created by Major League Baseball, to recognize the contributions of players that have been in the league for at least 3 full seasons.
President's Day- Throughout history, democratic societies have elected officials to head their governments. When people want to get time off from work in these societies, they create days like President's Day. It was created by members of the banking and postal branches as an extra day for golf playing, boat riding, picnics, hikes and general loafing around the house. In the United States, the day honors Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Abraham Lincoln is famous for being the premise of the movie "Scream" as the first person being killed while watching a movie. George Washington is famous for the huge number of slaves that he bought and sold through his lifetime. Sadly, Washington was never idolized or made a movie star due to the negative connotation of the time associated with having wooden teeth.
I hope this helps all my non-American friends feel more informed and educated on how things are here in the good ole U.S.A!
Thanksgiving- This one dates back to 1492 when God took a rib from Christopher Colombus to create the Indians. Indians were later gathered up and herded into designated areas in retaliation for strictly upholding their end of numerous agreements with the American government. We eat turkey because they have feathers, and feathers remind us of Indians and how we easily massacred them. I have no fucking clue why we eat pumpkin pie.
Arbor Day- Arbor Day was made to celebrate the Union victory at the Battle of Arbor in January 1861. When the seven cotton states seceeded from the Union, Abraham Lincoln authorized a preemptive nuclear strike on Arbor Mississippi in a desperate attempt to free the slaves. It also has something to do with trees or bushes. Some kind of plant.
Valentine's Day- Maybe the oldest of the holidays, Valentine's Day was created by an angel names St. Valentine that was sent by God to Earth to inflict pain on the poor and spread love among the privileged few that were divinely granted feelings and emotions. The legend of Cupid is a little harder to explain. It's mostly derived from myth and folklore. I think at some point in the past, some dude saw a baby on Valentine's Day. I believe it was holding a bow and arrow of some kind. It may have been hunting.
Easter- This holiday was created in the late 19th century to commemorate the invention of the egg. Scientists still couldn't figure out what came first, the chicken or the egg, but they figured there already was a holiday with poultry in it (see Thanksgiving) so they decided to give the holiday to the egg. Although the exact timing is the subject of some debate, most experts believe that sometime around 1980 the holiday was moved to a Sunday in spring in order to coincide with the fledgling Christian celebration of Jesus's resurrection. It is also believed Jesus might have been ingesting a lot of eggs prior to his death and that all the sulphurous emanations created the outline that is now known as the Shroud of Turin. He took the secret of eggs' existence back to heaven with him, not to be rediscovered until 1876, by a young fellow named Herbert Hollywittle, who was later accused of beastiality with several chickens.
Veteran's Day- Veteran's Day is a fairly new holiday, created by Major League Baseball, to recognize the contributions of players that have been in the league for at least 3 full seasons.
President's Day- Throughout history, democratic societies have elected officials to head their governments. When people want to get time off from work in these societies, they create days like President's Day. It was created by members of the banking and postal branches as an extra day for golf playing, boat riding, picnics, hikes and general loafing around the house. In the United States, the day honors Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Abraham Lincoln is famous for being the premise of the movie "Scream" as the first person being killed while watching a movie. George Washington is famous for the huge number of slaves that he bought and sold through his lifetime. Sadly, Washington was never idolized or made a movie star due to the negative connotation of the time associated with having wooden teeth.
I hope this helps all my non-American friends feel more informed and educated on how things are here in the good ole U.S.A!
posted by Lara at 12:22 PM
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