I Love Me Some Extra Syllables

Once again, popular music has left me completely clueless...and pissed off. I hate music today. Not all of it, just the bad stuff. Like, for example Rihanna. It's not because I'm old and not hip and cool like the young whipper snappers I see hanging out at the mall with the waist of their pants around their knees and most of their underwear showing. It's because she sucks. Hard. Amy Winehouse? Rock on. Lily Allen? You too, sister. But the rest of this mindless shit on the radio makes me wants to pour hot wax into my ears and permanently seal them from the horror.
Rihanna has been pissing me off more than any of the rest of the ho-bags on Top 40. It's like the worst of the worst crap. Like, if you lined up 10 pieces of crap side by side on the sidewalk, you'd totally stop to notice just how bad the one crap left by Rihanna is. "Shit, shit, shit...Whoa Nelly! Look at the watery consistency on this one! That's an awesomely gnarly piece of shit! Wow, crap, yeah... Does it have chunks in it? Is it peas or raisins? Wow, it really stands out!"
That's how I feel, and I believe that expressing my emotions by associating it with poop shows just how mature and deep I am.
So, I'd like to take this time to talk to Rihanna. Hey babe! You look pretty today!

Except for your forehead. It's really more like a fivehead, or possibly sixhead. It's scary. But that just goes to show how hot the rest of you is. If you can overcome both a giant, movie screen-like forehead and bad music, well my friend, you've made it in this world.

Anyhoo, your song. I don't understand it. I mean, I think I do, then I listen to it again and find myself baffled. So I get it's raining more than ever. It's wet, raining cats and dogs, I get that. But then you offer me an umberella. I can stand under your umberella. What the fuck is and umberella?

When it rains, don't you need an umbrella? Is an umberella similar to an umbrella?

You know what Rihanna? You're a fucking idiot. How can you not be able to pronounce the word "umbrella"? It's 3 (three) fucking syllables. It's already multi-syllabic. What's the need for forcing in a fourth one? Um-brel-la. Not um-ber-el-la. Are you fucking retarded? Is that what this is? Is that how you think it's pronounced?

It wouldn't irritate the fuck out of me if I didn't hear your song everywhere: at the grocery store, at the mall, as a ring tone, at the fucking car wash... Which sort of shows how stupid we are as a society that we gobble up this shit without a second thought. I'd love to have a conversation with you to see if this is how you really talk.

"Wow, it sure is raining out. I'm going to need an umberella when I leave the libarary. Why is Feberuary so wet?"

And while I'm at it, let me tackle the rest of your lyrics.

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my umberella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umberella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umberella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umberella
Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh

You got the whole umberella, sorry umbrella, metaphor thing going, and you nailed it! Nailed it, I say! Good for you!

But then you get to the ella ella eh eh eh part. How in the sweet Jebus did you come up with this? And why repeat it four times? Why not a fifth? What do the four ella ella eh eh eh's represent? And why eh? Are you speaking to a Canadian man? Why not ella ella eh eh eh, hoser? Or why not ella ella fart noise fart noise fart noise? Or ella ella honk honk honk? That would have been awesome. The ehs seem so arbitrary, so why not make a funny fart noise?

I think you chose the words--or sounds I guess, because eh isn't so much a word as it is a sound you make when you've pretty much given up thinking of the right word to say. Eh! The song has no meaning, the words have no meaning, which leads me to think you really are borderline retarded. But thankfully for you, you're really pretty, and as we all know, really pretty girls, retarded or otherwise, can get away with pretty much anything, including adding syllables to words and making meaningless sounds in hit song.