When monkeys fly out of my butt

There I was, washing my hair, and as usual, whether I'm on the crapper or in the shower, I need to entertain myself and read something, in this case the shampoo bottle. "This product is not tested on animals". It got me thinking. Why DO they test products on animals? Wouldn't it be better to test them on people? What's the monkey gonna say: "Nah, this shampoo could smell better and make my hair shinier..."
How many times do you need to test the shampoo on the monkey? I figure, once. You wash the monkey's head with shampoo, you rinse the monkeys head, you smell it. If it smells like strawberry/mango versus smelling like monkey ass, you've got a successful product. If not, you got to start all over again. Mix some more bubbly crap with some unnamed fruit, wash the monkeys head, rinse the monkeys head and smell. No lingering aroma of poo? You've got yourself some Herbal Essences. Why would you need to rub the shampoo in their eyes? Do they like it? Shit no, they're probably screaming while you do it. So it should be pretty simple. Washing monkey's head makes monkey happy, putting shampoo in monkey's eye makes monkey mad.

I'm such an innovator. I've pretty much eliminated the need for animal testing.

Now here's something to bring me back...

What the fuck. No seriously, what the fuck.
Sarah Palin is really the best representative the Republican party could find? Really? Well then, I guess we're fucked.

I just saw a bit on the evening news about a group of women here in Arizona who are absolutely pleased with Mrs. Palin and her outlook and beliefs. They urged all Hillary Clinton supporters to "come on over". Why, you ask? Because, just like Clinton, Sarah Palin is a WOMAN. Yes, a woman. Because there are so few of those left in this world, we really should support one that's running for Vice President. All women in the United States should vote for Palin because she has a pussy. No hidden salami here! Just good ole' hairy clam, poontang, va-jay-jay, etc.
Why would you want to base your vote on a candidate's beliefs, platform, ideas, when you could rely purely on their sex?
If this is true, then I guess all American men who are old/white/rich/cheated on their first wife with a much younger model/pro-life/anti-gay, will vote for John McCain. But only because he is a man. And at the same time, all American men who are young/black/fairly rich/solid marriage/pro-choice/pro-gay, will vote for Obama. But once again, only because he's a man.
The Mexicans and Asians are fucked. They'll have to sit this election out because they don't have anyone who represents their sex or race. Lucky bastards.
What pisses me off to no end, is that if the Democrats and Obama had chosen Hillary Clinton as a running mate, they would have been criticized and ridiculed for choosing firstly a woman and secondly, a damn tough bitch. The Republicans would have pointed out that just because Hillary is a woman, she didn't deserve the American female vote, but instead, all parties should be judged on their performance and experience.
Now that the Republicans have a woman on their ballot, those reasons are thrown out the window. Did you hear that speech? "I am just a regular hockey mom." "What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? A hockey mom wears lipstick." Wow Palin, you must crack yourself up a lot.
Yeah, because that's exactly who I want running this country when that zombied corpse McCain finally kicks the bucket after his first year in office. A fucking hockey mom. You think I should identify with you because you are a woman, you have 5 kids whom you love and drive to school everyday?
First of all, put the dick down. Do they not have fucking television in Alaska? Are you fucking to stay warm? Are you a sex addict? And what the fuck were you smoking when you named your kids? Piper, Willow, Bristol, Trig and Track. Where's Field? Cross Country? How about Snap, Crackle and Pop? You fucking retard.
Then it gets really good. I start reading about you and realize:
1. You're a hunter. You love to kill you some bear, deer and shiz. You have a full bear skin laying on the couch in your Alaskan office. You went moose hunting with your dad as a young kid.
2. You and your husband believe Alaska should not be part of the United States, but a country of its own.
3. You finished second in the Miss Alaska pageant and your talent was playing flute. (One time, at band camp...)
4. You admit to smoking marijuana but say you did not enjoy it. (Your children's names are fucked up, and you have a Down's baby. I think you enjoyed it plenty)
5. You believe in banning books you don't agree with from libraries.
6. You promoted oil and natural gas development in Alaska, including drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge.
7. You supported a policy allowing state biologists to hunt down and shoot wolves from helicopters to increase the moose population, so that hunters like you would have more moose to hunt.
8. You believe polar bears should be hunted and not placed on the endangered species list.
9. You describe yourself "as pro-life as pro-life can be." (You refused an early abortion even after it became clear your youngest son had Down's Syndrome).
10. Your favorite activities are hunting, ice-fishing and riding snowmobiles.( And readjusting that big cock you got between your legs.)
11. When asked about Iraq, you said "there is a plan, and that plan is God's plan." (what the fuck does God have to do with Iraq???)
12. You believe that terrorism against Israel is due to the disbelief in Jesus by the Jewish population. (just for this, you should be spanked with barbed wire)

So let me get this straight. Because I am a woman, I should vote for:
an animal killer
a confederate hillbilly
a failed beauty queen
a pot head
a Hitler fan
a polluter
an ignorant selfish idiot
a white trash tomboy
and a racist bible-thumper?

WHERE DO I SIGN UP??????

Just because you happen to have tits and a vagina like me does not mean you will get my vote, support or even remotely, my sympathy. I can't even feel bad for you that your son's life will be miserable with his disease, and that your poor daughter will have to raise a child most likely without a spouse, and with a complete asshole as a mother. Sarah Palin getting nominated for VP is the most demeaning thing to happen to women since bukkake videos.

Shit. Now I'm totally pissed off about something I can't change because I never bothered to get citizenship and can't vote. GOD BLESS THE USA!!!

I Love Me Some Extra Syllables

Once again, popular music has left me completely clueless...and pissed off. I hate music today. Not all of it, just the bad stuff. Like, for example Rihanna. It's not because I'm old and not hip and cool like the young whipper snappers I see hanging out at the mall with the waist of their pants around their knees and most of their underwear showing. It's because she sucks. Hard. Amy Winehouse? Rock on. Lily Allen? You too, sister. But the rest of this mindless shit on the radio makes me wants to pour hot wax into my ears and permanently seal them from the horror.
Rihanna has been pissing me off more than any of the rest of the ho-bags on Top 40. It's like the worst of the worst crap. Like, if you lined up 10 pieces of crap side by side on the sidewalk, you'd totally stop to notice just how bad the one crap left by Rihanna is. "Shit, shit, shit...Whoa Nelly! Look at the watery consistency on this one! That's an awesomely gnarly piece of shit! Wow, crap, yeah... Does it have chunks in it? Is it peas or raisins? Wow, it really stands out!"
That's how I feel, and I believe that expressing my emotions by associating it with poop shows just how mature and deep I am.
So, I'd like to take this time to talk to Rihanna. Hey babe! You look pretty today!

Except for your forehead. It's really more like a fivehead, or possibly sixhead. It's scary. But that just goes to show how hot the rest of you is. If you can overcome both a giant, movie screen-like forehead and bad music, well my friend, you've made it in this world.

Anyhoo, your song. I don't understand it. I mean, I think I do, then I listen to it again and find myself baffled. So I get it's raining more than ever. It's wet, raining cats and dogs, I get that. But then you offer me an umberella. I can stand under your umberella. What the fuck is and umberella?

When it rains, don't you need an umbrella? Is an umberella similar to an umbrella?

You know what Rihanna? You're a fucking idiot. How can you not be able to pronounce the word "umbrella"? It's 3 (three) fucking syllables. It's already multi-syllabic. What's the need for forcing in a fourth one? Um-brel-la. Not um-ber-el-la. Are you fucking retarded? Is that what this is? Is that how you think it's pronounced?

It wouldn't irritate the fuck out of me if I didn't hear your song everywhere: at the grocery store, at the mall, as a ring tone, at the fucking car wash... Which sort of shows how stupid we are as a society that we gobble up this shit without a second thought. I'd love to have a conversation with you to see if this is how you really talk.

"Wow, it sure is raining out. I'm going to need an umberella when I leave the libarary. Why is Feberuary so wet?"

And while I'm at it, let me tackle the rest of your lyrics.

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my umberella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umberella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umberella
Ella ella eh eh eh
Under my umberella
Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh

You got the whole umberella, sorry umbrella, metaphor thing going, and you nailed it! Nailed it, I say! Good for you!

But then you get to the ella ella eh eh eh part. How in the sweet Jebus did you come up with this? And why repeat it four times? Why not a fifth? What do the four ella ella eh eh eh's represent? And why eh? Are you speaking to a Canadian man? Why not ella ella eh eh eh, hoser? Or why not ella ella fart noise fart noise fart noise? Or ella ella honk honk honk? That would have been awesome. The ehs seem so arbitrary, so why not make a funny fart noise?

I think you chose the words--or sounds I guess, because eh isn't so much a word as it is a sound you make when you've pretty much given up thinking of the right word to say. Eh! The song has no meaning, the words have no meaning, which leads me to think you really are borderline retarded. But thankfully for you, you're really pretty, and as we all know, really pretty girls, retarded or otherwise, can get away with pretty much anything, including adding syllables to words and making meaningless sounds in hit song.

I Can Hear My Brain Rattle In My Head

1. Saw a girl named "Jennipher" on Jeopardy! last night, wanted to punch her parents in the phace.

2. Want to know what Victoria's Secret really is? It's that Victoria is a fucking idiot. Her new line of clothing is called "Pink", but that doesn't mean the clothes are pink. I saw a girl in blue sweatpants at Home Depot today, and they had PINK written on the ass in large white letters. Maybe she was describing her vagina? I don't know. The point is, I'm starting my own brand of T-shirts. They will come in many colors, but the back of the shirt will feature PANTS written in big black letters.

3. When it comes to sexual metaphors pertaining to the male genitalia, we Italians really have it the best. "Hey, check out my Italian sausage!" So lucky. The French have it pretty good too, I suppose. "Hey, check out my baguette!" But the Irish, they've got nothing. After many long hours of thinking, all I could come up with is "Hey, suck on my Guinness! And while you're down there, juggle my potatoes!" See, not cool at all.

Later, MoFo's.

Introducing "Movies in Reality!"

I have this great idea for a new reality show. We pick a classic movie, then reenact it as it would be in reality. For example, let's take the great family classic "Home Alone", starring that most fascinating of actors, McCauley Caulkin. By the way, what a fucked up name. Why didn't they just name him "Macaca"? (get it? say it together real fast)

The scene would open with the family rushing out and leaving the kid behind. The kid would wake up, realize he was left behind and would cry for hours, thinking his family had abandoned him and didn't love him anymore.

Then it would dawn on him that he had the whole house to himself, he would get that funny feeling between his legs and he'd start masturbating like crazy. You'd see him with his dad's porn stash, slathering his weenie with his mom's $90 a jar face cream, heating up fruit in the microwave to fuck, screwing stuffed animals, the couch, you name it. I guess Jameson would play the role of the kid in this movie.

There would be a short scene where the parents freak out upon realizing the child was left home. Then we'd cut to the robbers.

They would break in and for a while it would look as though the kid was getting a drop on them. Then when the kid's plan to have them step on two rakes side by side doesn't work out, the robbers would beat the shit out of him. They'd tie him up, rob the house and, just to avoid any further problems, they'd shoot the kid in the head.

The parents would find out about this through the police and be devastated. The media would rip them to shreds and hold them responsible for leaving a child behind to be killed. The father would become an alcoholic and the mother would have a nervous breakdown and commit suicide. But first here comes the best part.

When they go to the morgue to identify the body, they unzip the body bag to find his corpse doing that stupid hands to the face shtick that made the movie so popular.

Cue in the laugh track, then in big letters, "Movies in Reality!"

There are millions of movies that could be turned into reality. Imagine "Pretty Woman". The character of Julia Roberts will be played by Shaquita Shaquana Jones, last seen at the corner of Van Buren and 5th in downtown Phoenix.

A guy pulls up to the sidewalk in a Toyota Prius (it's a hybrid, you pay less for gas, leaving you more money for ass) and asks Shaquita for a date. He takes her to a Motel 6, where instead of a bubble bath, she gets a golden shower. Then the guy beats the shit out of her, rapes her anally, steals all her money and throws her out of the hotel room naked. All she got for her adventure is a fat lip and a horrendous case of crabs/herpes. She calls her pimp to come get her and gets another beating for getting all her money stolen.

Cue in the laugh track, then in big letters, "Movies in Reality!"

I think it could really work.

Rantgirls' Guide to the Origins of National Holidays

In order to keep my foreign readers educated on some American National holidays, I've decided to make a short list of the most important ones and how they came to be.

Thanksgiving- This one dates back to 1492 when God took a rib from Christopher Colombus to create the Indians. Indians were later gathered up and herded into designated areas in retaliation for strictly upholding their end of numerous agreements with the American government. We eat turkey because they have feathers, and feathers remind us of Indians and how we easily massacred them. I have no fucking clue why we eat pumpkin pie.

Arbor Day- Arbor Day was made to celebrate the Union victory at the Battle of Arbor in January 1861. When the seven cotton states seceeded from the Union, Abraham Lincoln authorized a preemptive nuclear strike on Arbor Mississippi in a desperate attempt to free the slaves. It also has something to do with trees or bushes. Some kind of plant.

Valentine's Day- Maybe the oldest of the holidays, Valentine's Day was created by an angel names St. Valentine that was sent by God to Earth to inflict pain on the poor and spread love among the privileged few that were divinely granted feelings and emotions. The legend of Cupid is a little harder to explain. It's mostly derived from myth and folklore. I think at some point in the past, some dude saw a baby on Valentine's Day. I believe it was holding a bow and arrow of some kind. It may have been hunting.

Easter- This holiday was created in the late 19th century to commemorate the invention of the egg. Scientists still couldn't figure out what came first, the chicken or the egg, but they figured there already was a holiday with poultry in it (see Thanksgiving) so they decided to give the holiday to the egg. Although the exact timing is the subject of some debate, most experts believe that sometime around 1980 the holiday was moved to a Sunday in spring in order to coincide with the fledgling Christian celebration of Jesus's resurrection. It is also believed Jesus might have been ingesting a lot of eggs prior to his death and that all the sulphurous emanations created the outline that is now known as the Shroud of Turin. He took the secret of eggs' existence back to heaven with him, not to be rediscovered until 1876, by a young fellow named Herbert Hollywittle, who was later accused of beastiality with several chickens.

Veteran's Day- Veteran's Day is a fairly new holiday, created by Major League Baseball, to recognize the contributions of players that have been in the league for at least 3 full seasons.

President's Day- Throughout history, democratic societies have elected officials to head their governments. When people want to get time off from work in these societies, they create days like President's Day. It was created by members of the banking and postal branches as an extra day for golf playing, boat riding, picnics, hikes and general loafing around the house. In the United States, the day honors Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Abraham Lincoln is famous for being the premise of the movie "Scream" as the first person being killed while watching a movie. George Washington is famous for the huge number of slaves that he bought and sold through his lifetime. Sadly, Washington was never idolized or made a movie star due to the negative connotation of the time associated with having wooden teeth.

I hope this helps all my non-American friends feel more informed and educated on how things are here in the good ole U.S.A!

There's Nothing Worse Than People

You know what society is evolving into? One where people can't be alone with their thoughts for more than two minutes and one where people are just, well, I don't know, pissing me off like there's a crab in my pants and I can't get him to stop pinching my labia.

I'm tired. I'm cranky. Crabby, even, no pun intended. I've been coming across a lot of human beings that make me want to buy a high-powered rifle and go on a killing spree. Too soon? Of course not. Besides, the video before my rampage will be a hell of a lot more interesting and coherent than what that crazy Asian mofo left. It will, however, include awesome shots of me in my tankini holding a couple of bazooka's and sporting a wicked ass grin.

The following people need to be either kicked in the penis or punched in the vagina.

CELL PHONE PEOPLE

"Hey! I know what I need to do today! Walk to the store that is five minutes away! Better bring my cell phone so I can call someone! I'd hate to walk five minutes in silence! I've had my TV on to distract me all day and the last thing I can do is go without some sort of stimulation for 5 minutes! I bet my friend on the other end won't be the least bit bored by my talking about nothing for 5 minutes! I'm going to get milk! Talk to me! I can't be alone!"

What is so fucking hard about just walking somewhere, anywhere, without having to gab on the fucking phone? Are you that afraid of being alone for 5 minutes? You can't just walk, look around at the scenery, go buy your yeast infection medicine or dick cheese pills and go home? Do I really need to hear how you got laid last night, how small the guy's penis was, that your pussy itches, or that your mommy got you a cool present for your birthday? FUCK YOU!
Fuck you twice if instead of talking right into the phone, you have a little earpiece. How the fuck am I supposed to know if you are talking to me or your loser friend?
I actually got into an argument with a dumb bitch in a public restroom. She kept saying "why are you doing that?" and by the 3rd time I asked her what she was talking about. She answered me: "Do you mind?? I'm talking on the phone in here and I can't hear anything with your yakking in the background!" DIE, YOU FUCKING WHORE!! I hope your cell phone gives you a huge brain tumor which causes you to shit uncontrollably. Which is what you should be doing on the fucking toilet.

This also applies to you fucknuts in your cars. Is the call really so fucking important that it can't wait 'till you get home? Or before you get in the car? Do you people not have radios or cd's to keep you entertained and stimulated for the short car ride? If you must have something in your hand, why don't you try masturbating.

I-POD PEOPLE

These people piss me off more than any other. "I listen to it while I'm on the train." "I like to listen to it while I walk to work." "I listen to it as to avoid any and all contact with other human beings at all costs."

Anyone else notice that as our technology gets better, it results in less and less reason to have contact with other humans? Which I guess means I should get an i-Pod because people have been pissing me off to no end lately. But then I'd become one of those people I hate, and that would be ironic, then I'd have to download "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette, which is not really ironic at all, and then I'd be hopping and bopping and skatting about town, singing Alanis out loud, and that would result in me getting punched in the face and I'd like to avoid that.
What was my point? Oh yeah. I believe that people just can't be alone with their thoughts. Ever. People would rather be distracted by something that have to think about how sad their life has become, a series of trips to the doctor to find out why their vaginas leak or their balls itch. It used to be TV was the big distraction. Then the internet. Then cell phones. Then the i-Pod.
I'm convinced that in about 100 years, humans won't even function with other humans. They will just lay in a bed in a white room where they will be drugged up with an i-Pod working in one ear, a Bluetooth in the other, a masturbation machine locked on their genitals, a flat screen TV on the ceiling and streaming video on a computer of a guy getting hit in the balls by a baseball bat on a continuous loop.
I'm just saying. Try going 10 minutes without your cell phone, i-Pod, computer or TV. Go to the park, sit down and just think. It's actually quite fun. That is, if you're not a complete fucking retard.

Random Thoughts

I wonder what could cause a parent to stop loving his/her child. Especially mothers, they have it harder since the baby actually came out of their loins. I mean, you hear it on the news everyday, some mother or father that has completely lost patience and a handle on reality and goes completely nuts and either kills their child or locks it in a cage. I've lost my nerve with Devyn a couple of times, when I really want to spank the crap out of his ass and lock him in his room, but then you use your common sense, the reason a normal person has been given and you take a deep breath, calm yourself down and quietly point out that it is not okay to repeatedly kick me in the right breast.
Or you can be like Jeffrey Dahmer's mommy, who when asked what she thought of her son, said "he is still my son and I love him, no matter what he has done."
LADY, YOUR SON ATE MEN'S COCKS FOR LUNCH! HE BLEW MORE MEN THAN HURRICANE KATRINA! HIS IDEA OF A FINGER SANDWICH INVOLVED ACTUAL FINGERS! HE USED HUMAN LIVERS FOR HIS LIVER AND ONIONS! WHEN HE TOLD SOMEONE: "YOU'RE SO CUTE I COULD EAT YOU UP", HE LITERALLY MEANT IT!
How can she still says she loves her son, after knowing what he did? If it was me, I would pretend I was deaf, dumb and blind and claim brain damage.

I saw a story last night on the news that really pissed me off.
Some asshole went hunting with his dog, shot a duck, had the dog bring it back to him in its mouth, then went home and put the duck in the refrigerator. A couple of days later, the wife opens the refrigerator to prepare the duck for what I can only assume to be a scrumptious meal, the fucking duck flies out of the fridge and manages to limp around the garage. The wife calls her daughter and together they take the duck to a veterinary. Three hundred dollars, two broken feet, a broken wing and 6 remaining gun shot pellets later, the duck is alive and well and waiting to be released back into the wild.
WHAT THE FUCK???
They interviewed the fucktard hunter, says he's happy for the duck, that he's glad the duck is alive. He also says he can't wait for the duck to be released so that he can shoot its fucking ass off again. Just kidding. He said he wants to buy the duck a little power-operated flying wheelchair, so the duck won't feel like an outsider with the rest of his duck friends.
Fucking zombie ducks.