This portion of the news brought to you by Preparation H
Yet another reason why I don't watch TV anymore... The fucking news are out of control.
NEWSCASTER:
" Today's top news: A woman walking in Presidents Park heard a chirping sound and upon investigating, discovered a mother duck standing by an open sewage manhole. She noticed the duck acted very terrified and impatient, almost directing the woman to look into the manhole. The woman then noticed 4 little ducklings had fallen in and could not get out. She dialed 911, who alerted police and rescue crews, along with the newly formed "Group of National Association Duck Safety", also known as "GONADS", to perform a daring and dangerous rescue mission. After failing to bring out the ducklings with their existing equipment, a special crane was flown in from New York, especially invented for duck rescues. Following 20 tentatives, and the unfortunate maiming of one of the rescuers, the 4 ducklings were finally brought up top to safety, where they were met by their desperate mother. The fate of the injured rescuer is not yet known: doctors have mentioned life saving amputation. The ducklings are now resting peacefully at the downtown Hilton, where they will enjoy a few days of lavish luxury. Denver's mayor has now delegated a special group of investigators to find out exactly what happened and report to him, so that any further accidents can be prevented. A bill is also being passed through Congress, tentatively named "No Duck Left Behind!", which will ensure the continued protection of this wonderful species in danger of extinction."
"Now, here's your World News In 30 Seconds:
5000 people died in Iraq today
A bomb on a Paris train injures 200 school children
A large meteor struck the Vatican, sending thousands to area hospitals
The black plague is making a comeback in rural China
200 Bird Flu cases reported in Madrid, Spain
Cure for cancer found
4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse sighted having half caf/half decaf caramel vanilla lattes at local Starbucks
Son of God makes triumphant return
....And now here's Kathy with your weekend weather!"
NEWSCASTER:
" Today's top news: A woman walking in Presidents Park heard a chirping sound and upon investigating, discovered a mother duck standing by an open sewage manhole. She noticed the duck acted very terrified and impatient, almost directing the woman to look into the manhole. The woman then noticed 4 little ducklings had fallen in and could not get out. She dialed 911, who alerted police and rescue crews, along with the newly formed "Group of National Association Duck Safety", also known as "GONADS", to perform a daring and dangerous rescue mission. After failing to bring out the ducklings with their existing equipment, a special crane was flown in from New York, especially invented for duck rescues. Following 20 tentatives, and the unfortunate maiming of one of the rescuers, the 4 ducklings were finally brought up top to safety, where they were met by their desperate mother. The fate of the injured rescuer is not yet known: doctors have mentioned life saving amputation. The ducklings are now resting peacefully at the downtown Hilton, where they will enjoy a few days of lavish luxury. Denver's mayor has now delegated a special group of investigators to find out exactly what happened and report to him, so that any further accidents can be prevented. A bill is also being passed through Congress, tentatively named "No Duck Left Behind!", which will ensure the continued protection of this wonderful species in danger of extinction."
"Now, here's your World News In 30 Seconds:
5000 people died in Iraq today
A bomb on a Paris train injures 200 school children
A large meteor struck the Vatican, sending thousands to area hospitals
The black plague is making a comeback in rural China
200 Bird Flu cases reported in Madrid, Spain
Cure for cancer found
4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse sighted having half caf/half decaf caramel vanilla lattes at local Starbucks
Son of God makes triumphant return
....And now here's Kathy with your weekend weather!"
posted by Lara at 11:40 PM
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