I wanna dance with Osama
Here's another golden nugget plucked right out of the news:
"Obsessed bin Laden wanted to kill Whitney Houston's husband"-
"Terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden is so obsessed with singer Whitney Houston he thought about killing her husband, Bobby Brown, it was claimed last night by Sudanese poet and novelist Kola Boof, who also says she was held hostage by bin Laden for 4 months 10 years ago and used as a sex slave."
Boof says bin Laden "had a paramount desire for Houston and although he claimed her music was evil, he spoke of spending vast amounts of money to come to America and arrange a meeting with the superstar."
"He explained to me that to possess Whitney he would be willing to break his color rule and make her one of his many wives."
Now, why aren't we using this information to our advantage? It should be easy to find him now, just check around to see who's been renting "The Bodyguard" or "Waiting to Exhale" and is having them delivered to a cave.
Can't we just hit two birds with one stone? On one side you've got the biggest threat to our society, on the other, bin Laden.
We send a love letter to Osama (or Sam, as his closest pals refer to him) pretending it comes from Whitney, with little hearts and flowers drawn on it, smelling of her perfume, setting up a meeting at a seedy motel right off Interstate 10. Then we call Whitney and say her drug pimp has a new shipment of the latest crack cocaine hitting the streets and wants her to try it. They meet up in the room, the FBI busts down the doors and in the ensuing gun fight, both Sam and Whitney lose their life.
End of story. End of war.
Do I even have to tell the FBI how to do their jobs, now?
Osamama (as the bitches like to call him) probably does not realize present-day Whitney really has nothing left of 1990's Whitney. She is now a skinny, two-dime crack whore, with a fucked-up weave, who couldn't even pick up a trick on Sunset Strip if she was naked, bent over, with her hands parting her crack and a big neon sign advertising her pussy for free.
"You Give Good Love" my ass, that bitch doesn't even give a crap the drugs are making her teeth and hair fall out.
Furthermore, would Ossie be willing to stick a couple of his fingers in Whitney's ass when she was having a hard time taking a shit, like Bobby had to do numerous times, to help her relax and let the load out? I don't think so.
"Boof also says bin Laden's favorite T.V. shows are the Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver."
Damn you, Richard Dean Anderson! Once again, your suave charm and wicked gadget wizardry have put this nation in terrible danger! Where else do you think Osama got the idea to hijack a plane armed with only a nail file, nail clippers,a box cutter and shiv made out of a sharpened Bic pen???? Fucking MacGyver!...And the damn reruns are still on! Soon, he's going to figure out how to make a nuclear bomb out of a paper clip, a piece of string and some laundry detergent, then we'll really be in for some serious shit.
I wonder if Osama had a crush on Winnie Cooper like the rest of us. I also wonder if he identifies with the "Crockett" or "Tubbs" character from Miami Vice.
"In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the Star magazine, as well as copies of Playboy," says Boof.
First off: Kola Boof. Doesn't that sound like she's a character from Star Wars? Like one of the members of Jabba the Hut's house band?
Playboy? Well, what else do you want him to spank his dirty monkey to? Afghani porn? "Oh, yeah, look at those eyes and those ankles...They're making me hotter than a three-humped camel ride to Khabul!"
As for Star magazine, here is how I envision a little exchange between Osama and a follower:
ABDULLAH: "Master, here are the gossip magazines your highness requested. May the Light of Allah Bless You. Death to the Infidels!"
OSAMA: "Salam Aleikum, Abdullah. Now leave me to enjoy this measly moment of joy in my otherwise shit-filled life...Wait, what is this? You got me "InStyle" and "Us" magazines? Where is the "Star" magazine? It is the only one who speaks the truth! How am I supposed to know if Jen and Vince are engaged? If anyone has seen Suri Cruise? If Paris Hilton has peed her pants and what color panties she was wearing today? You son of mongrel dog! You shall be punished for this! Jihad on you, your wife and children! Jihad on your parents! Jihad on your pets! Jihad on your dry cleaner! Take him away, and chop off his hands, so that he may remember this day!...And bring me my fucking the "Star" magazine!"
ABDULLAH: "No, na baba! Loftan! Bebakhshid!" (No, you must be joking, please, sorry!)
END SCENE
"Obsessed bin Laden wanted to kill Whitney Houston's husband"-
"Terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden is so obsessed with singer Whitney Houston he thought about killing her husband, Bobby Brown, it was claimed last night by Sudanese poet and novelist Kola Boof, who also says she was held hostage by bin Laden for 4 months 10 years ago and used as a sex slave."
Boof says bin Laden "had a paramount desire for Houston and although he claimed her music was evil, he spoke of spending vast amounts of money to come to America and arrange a meeting with the superstar."
"He explained to me that to possess Whitney he would be willing to break his color rule and make her one of his many wives."
Now, why aren't we using this information to our advantage? It should be easy to find him now, just check around to see who's been renting "The Bodyguard" or "Waiting to Exhale" and is having them delivered to a cave.
Can't we just hit two birds with one stone? On one side you've got the biggest threat to our society, on the other, bin Laden.
We send a love letter to Osama (or Sam, as his closest pals refer to him) pretending it comes from Whitney, with little hearts and flowers drawn on it, smelling of her perfume, setting up a meeting at a seedy motel right off Interstate 10. Then we call Whitney and say her drug pimp has a new shipment of the latest crack cocaine hitting the streets and wants her to try it. They meet up in the room, the FBI busts down the doors and in the ensuing gun fight, both Sam and Whitney lose their life.
End of story. End of war.
Do I even have to tell the FBI how to do their jobs, now?
Osamama (as the bitches like to call him) probably does not realize present-day Whitney really has nothing left of 1990's Whitney. She is now a skinny, two-dime crack whore, with a fucked-up weave, who couldn't even pick up a trick on Sunset Strip if she was naked, bent over, with her hands parting her crack and a big neon sign advertising her pussy for free.
"You Give Good Love" my ass, that bitch doesn't even give a crap the drugs are making her teeth and hair fall out.
Furthermore, would Ossie be willing to stick a couple of his fingers in Whitney's ass when she was having a hard time taking a shit, like Bobby had to do numerous times, to help her relax and let the load out? I don't think so.
"Boof also says bin Laden's favorite T.V. shows are the Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver."
Damn you, Richard Dean Anderson! Once again, your suave charm and wicked gadget wizardry have put this nation in terrible danger! Where else do you think Osama got the idea to hijack a plane armed with only a nail file, nail clippers,a box cutter and shiv made out of a sharpened Bic pen???? Fucking MacGyver!...And the damn reruns are still on! Soon, he's going to figure out how to make a nuclear bomb out of a paper clip, a piece of string and some laundry detergent, then we'll really be in for some serious shit.
I wonder if Osama had a crush on Winnie Cooper like the rest of us. I also wonder if he identifies with the "Crockett" or "Tubbs" character from Miami Vice.
"In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the Star magazine, as well as copies of Playboy," says Boof.
First off: Kola Boof. Doesn't that sound like she's a character from Star Wars? Like one of the members of Jabba the Hut's house band?
Playboy? Well, what else do you want him to spank his dirty monkey to? Afghani porn? "Oh, yeah, look at those eyes and those ankles...They're making me hotter than a three-humped camel ride to Khabul!"
As for Star magazine, here is how I envision a little exchange between Osama and a follower:
ABDULLAH: "Master, here are the gossip magazines your highness requested. May the Light of Allah Bless You. Death to the Infidels!"
OSAMA: "Salam Aleikum, Abdullah. Now leave me to enjoy this measly moment of joy in my otherwise shit-filled life...Wait, what is this? You got me "InStyle" and "Us" magazines? Where is the "Star" magazine? It is the only one who speaks the truth! How am I supposed to know if Jen and Vince are engaged? If anyone has seen Suri Cruise? If Paris Hilton has peed her pants and what color panties she was wearing today? You son of mongrel dog! You shall be punished for this! Jihad on you, your wife and children! Jihad on your parents! Jihad on your pets! Jihad on your dry cleaner! Take him away, and chop off his hands, so that he may remember this day!...And bring me my fucking the "Star" magazine!"
ABDULLAH: "No, na baba! Loftan! Bebakhshid!" (No, you must be joking, please, sorry!)
END SCENE
posted by Lara at 11:27 PM
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