Rate your mate...Part Three
My rating from 0 to 11 was not enough. One of my friends decided to grace us with a detailed description of a 12. This explanation was originally in French, so forgive me if something gets lost in the translation.
First off, I must point out that if the female in this couple is not herself a 12, there are few chances his talents will develop to their full extent. In other words, imagine a male 12 with a female 4 on a deserted island...We would soon observe the male subject dry up, drool extensively, then finally drown himself with a rock tied to a rope. The opposite is also true: a female 12 with a male 4 would invariably have the same results.
So a 12:
-Not only does the 12 like to cook, but everything he prepares is delicious. He knows that to prepare a tasty menu, he must shop for only the freshest fruits and vegetables at the local farmer's market, staying away from imported foods so that he doesn't get his ass kicked by the local growers.
-He does the laundry, folds all the clothes (including socks), irons (if necessary), washes dishes (even when he does the cooking), changes his sheets, waters the plants, cleans his abode and finally welcomes his visiting honey with a glass of red Cinzano and a twist of lemon, freshly shaven ( the guy, not the lemon) and suggests they watch Out of Africa on DVD, while gently caressing her back with his fingertips.
-A 12 doesn't own a television. He is convinced that only 0.02 % of all television shows are worth watching, therefore the purchase of such a brain-drain machine is a waste. He does enjoy the occasional film watched on his Apple 21" screen or enjoyed at the cinema.
-His penis size is not important, as long as it doesn't appear to be half a toothpick, whereas upon its sight, a female can only laugh. It also should not be the circumference of a baobab tree, nor the length of a sequoia, which would cause the female to wonder exactly where she can stick all of it. ("if you pull out about 10 inches, I can start moving my head")
Also, it is worth remembering that the bigger the member, the harder it needs to pump to maintain a justifiable hardness to perform the job to a satisfying end.
-The size of his tongue does not matter, as long as he doesn't stop until his bed mate stops screaming or asks him to stop immediately. He must also manifest own enjoyment while practicing what we call in French "la tarte au poils" (hair pie) and a 12 would not let himself be deterred even if his partner had her monthly visit. (if you answer "that's disgusting", you have just been relegated to a 4)
-A 12 is able to make you forget your name while ignoring his own needs, so if you are tired after your earth-shattering climax, go to sleep and don't worry about me, ejaculation does not mean the night is over, once you are awake, it can go on for hours longer.
-A 12 knows to use what nature has provided him and can make the moment last forever. Lest things start going soft, the female partner shouldn't despair, as a 12 uses this time to merely get up to place another bottle of wine in the refrigerator and pull out the capers for some salmon toast, before going back into battle, lighthearted and fancy free.
-A 12 is ready to go anywhere and anytime his partner wants to, and if the female is also a 12, anytime and anywhere mean all the time.
-A 12 pees sitting down so that there isn't any backsplash on the toilet seat or floor (furthermore, he cleans the toilet and floor)
All this to explain that to each his/her own, and in a romantic fashion, we can say that two people who love each other are like 2 pieces of a puzzle that only contains two pieces. Except that of course, when you put two pieces of a puzzle together, one of them doesn't start screaming in complete ecstasy: "Oh, yes! YES!YES! Stick me in the right spot!"
To recap: the most important trait of a 12 is that he doesn't own a television.
Ladies, when your significant other returns home tonight, smack him in the back of the head and make him read this.
P.S.: Girlfriend of aforementioned 12 assures me this description is absolutely, totally and completely precise and accurate.
First off, I must point out that if the female in this couple is not herself a 12, there are few chances his talents will develop to their full extent. In other words, imagine a male 12 with a female 4 on a deserted island...We would soon observe the male subject dry up, drool extensively, then finally drown himself with a rock tied to a rope. The opposite is also true: a female 12 with a male 4 would invariably have the same results.
So a 12:
-Not only does the 12 like to cook, but everything he prepares is delicious. He knows that to prepare a tasty menu, he must shop for only the freshest fruits and vegetables at the local farmer's market, staying away from imported foods so that he doesn't get his ass kicked by the local growers.
-He does the laundry, folds all the clothes (including socks), irons (if necessary), washes dishes (even when he does the cooking), changes his sheets, waters the plants, cleans his abode and finally welcomes his visiting honey with a glass of red Cinzano and a twist of lemon, freshly shaven ( the guy, not the lemon) and suggests they watch Out of Africa on DVD, while gently caressing her back with his fingertips.
-A 12 doesn't own a television. He is convinced that only 0.02 % of all television shows are worth watching, therefore the purchase of such a brain-drain machine is a waste. He does enjoy the occasional film watched on his Apple 21" screen or enjoyed at the cinema.
-His penis size is not important, as long as it doesn't appear to be half a toothpick, whereas upon its sight, a female can only laugh. It also should not be the circumference of a baobab tree, nor the length of a sequoia, which would cause the female to wonder exactly where she can stick all of it. ("if you pull out about 10 inches, I can start moving my head")
Also, it is worth remembering that the bigger the member, the harder it needs to pump to maintain a justifiable hardness to perform the job to a satisfying end.
-The size of his tongue does not matter, as long as he doesn't stop until his bed mate stops screaming or asks him to stop immediately. He must also manifest own enjoyment while practicing what we call in French "la tarte au poils" (hair pie) and a 12 would not let himself be deterred even if his partner had her monthly visit. (if you answer "that's disgusting", you have just been relegated to a 4)
-A 12 is able to make you forget your name while ignoring his own needs, so if you are tired after your earth-shattering climax, go to sleep and don't worry about me, ejaculation does not mean the night is over, once you are awake, it can go on for hours longer.
-A 12 knows to use what nature has provided him and can make the moment last forever. Lest things start going soft, the female partner shouldn't despair, as a 12 uses this time to merely get up to place another bottle of wine in the refrigerator and pull out the capers for some salmon toast, before going back into battle, lighthearted and fancy free.
-A 12 is ready to go anywhere and anytime his partner wants to, and if the female is also a 12, anytime and anywhere mean all the time.
-A 12 pees sitting down so that there isn't any backsplash on the toilet seat or floor (furthermore, he cleans the toilet and floor)
All this to explain that to each his/her own, and in a romantic fashion, we can say that two people who love each other are like 2 pieces of a puzzle that only contains two pieces. Except that of course, when you put two pieces of a puzzle together, one of them doesn't start screaming in complete ecstasy: "Oh, yes! YES!YES! Stick me in the right spot!"
To recap: the most important trait of a 12 is that he doesn't own a television.
Ladies, when your significant other returns home tonight, smack him in the back of the head and make him read this.
P.S.: Girlfriend of aforementioned 12 assures me this description is absolutely, totally and completely precise and accurate.
posted by Lara at 8:17 AM
23 Comments:
wow! c'est la première fois que je me lis en anglais!
merci pour la traduction.
mais tu y crois vraiment, toi, à cette histoire de 12?
I HAVE TO BELIEVE IT! I NEED TO BELIEVE IT! It has become like God to me, the need to believe that there is indeed someone out there that could so completely satisfy and satiate the needs of a woman (or man for that matter). Now, whether I believe YOU are a 12 is another question entirely....
bon... si tu associes un 12 au Prince Charmant, il y a de fortes chances pour que: 1. je n'en sois pas un, et 2. qu'il n'en existe nulle part.
le problème, c'est que parfois quand je me lève, seul (ma copine n'est pas toujours à la maison), et que je constate la couleur et l'aspect de mes yeux dans la glace, et que je repense à ce que j'ai fait le soir précédent, je me sens pas "12" du tout.
Don't put yourself down, man. There are plenty of other people out there who will do that for you.
I am not mentally retarded, therefore I do not really believe in the existence of a 12. I do believe in MY 12, the person who makes me happy, makes me feel good about myself, makes it just a little easier to get up in the morning... I have that with both my husband and my son.
Shit, that was way too serious....
Completely off the subject: you changed your picture. Mmmmmm.... I see your hair is long again. I think I liked it better short.
Also, did you know Charlotte Parfois is available on ITunes USA???? and Glen is not???
j'ai changé la photo parce que j'aime bien ces lunettes, elles me font penser à Paris Hilton.
à part ça, je vais pas contrôler jusque dans quel coin du globe peut-on se procurer du Glen, du Charlotte, ou autre... de toutes façons internet est quelque chose de tellement déconcertant, je préfère ne pas trop me poser de questions et laisser les choses aller, c'est du reste tout ce que je suis capable de faire avec cette gigantesque machinerie du diable!
et je trouverais sympa que tu mettes une photo aussi, en attendant de te revoir en vrai...
Sorry, it it physically impossible for me to post a picture, every time I try, the camera lens exploses and shatters from the ugliness of the subject...If you want, I do have a naked picture of me when I was 10 years old.
What I meant by Charlotte being on ITunes, is that I was trying to download some songs I don't have of Glen, and it is not available in the US, whereas the complete Charlotte CD is.... Just found it interesting, seeing how CP is a fairly new group and GOG has been around for many years...
I also downloaded "Sit on my face", I hadn't heard that song in years and it made me laugh my ass off again.
By the way...again with Paris Hilton????
Just admit it, she's your secret crush...
ALL WOMEN are "my secret crush"
ALL WOMEN???? In that case, I don't feel special anymore.
mais TOUTES les femmes sont spéciales!
toi comme les autres...
Man, you really have a way with words that makes me ( like ALL OTHER WOMEN) feel just SO special. I think I'll just go lock myself in my room and eat a whole box of chocolate.
bon appétit.
mais ça ne va pas résoudre le problème
I was just kidding. I absolutely HATE chocolate. (But you're Swiss, and you're a woman, how could you hate chocolate?)
hrmmm... je dois dire que je trouve pas ça très bon non plus... ou plutôt, oui, c'est assez bon, mais un carré par mois ça me suffit...
Funny, that's the exact same way I feel about sex.
c'est une excellente plaisanterie
mais je te crois pas
Why don't you believe me????
un carré par mois, c'est vraiment pas drôle.
et pas crédible du tout.
en fait, il y a du bon et du mauvais chocolat
Sometimes, it's only one square of chocolate every 2 months. Maybe it's because I only like dark chocolate, or chocolate with big nuts in it.
pour changer de sujet, c'est pas en Suisse que tu trouveras le meilleur chocolat du monde... je pense que les Belges sont plus fort que les suisse pour ça.
ceci dit, il est tout à fait possible à mon avis de manger de l'excellent chocolat tous les jours... du bon, du diététique, celui qui fait pas grossir.
ou seulement d'en avoir envie, c'est déjà pas mal.
I don't really like sweets in general. Much rather eat salty stuff, like chips, pickles, etc.
Chocolate is bad for your skin anyways.
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