Random Thoughts

I wonder what could cause a parent to stop loving his/her child. Especially mothers, they have it harder since the baby actually came out of their loins. I mean, you hear it on the news everyday, some mother or father that has completely lost patience and a handle on reality and goes completely nuts and either kills their child or locks it in a cage. I've lost my nerve with Devyn a couple of times, when I really want to spank the crap out of his ass and lock him in his room, but then you use your common sense, the reason a normal person has been given and you take a deep breath, calm yourself down and quietly point out that it is not okay to repeatedly kick me in the right breast.
Or you can be like Jeffrey Dahmer's mommy, who when asked what she thought of her son, said "he is still my son and I love him, no matter what he has done."
LADY, YOUR SON ATE MEN'S COCKS FOR LUNCH! HE BLEW MORE MEN THAN HURRICANE KATRINA! HIS IDEA OF A FINGER SANDWICH INVOLVED ACTUAL FINGERS! HE USED HUMAN LIVERS FOR HIS LIVER AND ONIONS! WHEN HE TOLD SOMEONE: "YOU'RE SO CUTE I COULD EAT YOU UP", HE LITERALLY MEANT IT!
How can she still says she loves her son, after knowing what he did? If it was me, I would pretend I was deaf, dumb and blind and claim brain damage.

I saw a story last night on the news that really pissed me off.
Some asshole went hunting with his dog, shot a duck, had the dog bring it back to him in its mouth, then went home and put the duck in the refrigerator. A couple of days later, the wife opens the refrigerator to prepare the duck for what I can only assume to be a scrumptious meal, the fucking duck flies out of the fridge and manages to limp around the garage. The wife calls her daughter and together they take the duck to a veterinary. Three hundred dollars, two broken feet, a broken wing and 6 remaining gun shot pellets later, the duck is alive and well and waiting to be released back into the wild.
WHAT THE FUCK???
They interviewed the fucktard hunter, says he's happy for the duck, that he's glad the duck is alive. He also says he can't wait for the duck to be released so that he can shoot its fucking ass off again. Just kidding. He said he wants to buy the duck a little power-operated flying wheelchair, so the duck won't feel like an outsider with the rest of his duck friends.
Fucking zombie ducks.

School of Rock

I must be doing something right. I went to meet with the teacher today after Devyn's second day of school, it seems he is the only child who gets to school happy and cries like a dumbass when it's time to go home. Today, he saw me outside the door when I went to pick him up and literally screamed "NOOOOOOO!!!NO HOME! I WANT TO STAY IN SCHOOL!" Nice. All the other mothers were standing around watching me, probably wondering if my son doesn't want to come home because I beat the shit out of him.
Today's project involved live worms in a terrarium. They made their own terrariums by filling paper cups with brownie mix and gummy worms. Notice the little tag with his name written on it. WHAT???? HE'S 3 YEARS OLD, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Could you spell your name when you were 3? Didn't think so. Shut the fuck up.

To me, it looks like a cup full of shit. But that's just my opinion. He was totally freaked out and kept saying "GROSS!" until he finally tasted it and realized it was chocolate. Then all was forgotten in a orgasmic feast of spoonfuls of chocolate shoved into his mouth.
Speaking of orgasmic feasts, I think this kid has wayyyy too many toys, I don't even know why he needs all this crap, he doesn't even play with half of it anymore. Except his Batman/Superman/Spiderman, which he is holding in his hands in this picture.

He loves those friggin' things. He even sings a song when he plays with them. It goes something like this:
"Batman, Superman....Superman, Spiderman....Spiderman, Batman..." It rocks the roof off the house.
I got home from the store today and a fucking cat walked into my garage while I was unloading my car. Ally took off after it down the street, while I chased her through two feet of snow in my nice Italian leather boots. The cat finally jumped over a fence, and I caught Ally by the collar and dragged her back in the house. Here is the culprit.

Here's are my other two pain in the ass dogs, Zeke and Sidney.

Then, I opened my front door and found a note from the police department, fining me for not shoveling ALL the snow off my sidewalk. Keep in mind David has done if 4 different times after each storm we have had, then the street cleaner comes by and shoves all the snow back on the sidewalk. The fucking cop left the note on my door at 3:46 AM!!!! It says we have 1 DAY to comply, or appear in court.
This town sucks ass. If Colorado is the asshole of America, then Berthoud is its hemorrhoid.

Two humps is a dromedary

Yo! I just wrote a new song for my album, "Stating the Fucking Obvious". If you remember, the first single was "Fish Have No Feet", this second single is called "Read Between My Lips". Here are the lyrics, still working out the melody.

Walking down the street
Something caught my eye
A growing epidemic that really ain't fly
This middle-aged lady
I gotta be blunt
Her spandex biker shorts were creeping up the front
I could see her uterus
Her pants were too tight
Her ovaries and clitoris were putting up a fight
She musn't own panties
'Cause none were in sight
Her butt got hungry and ate them in one bite
And what that poor woman didn't know
She had a frontal wedgie
A camel toe.

MMMMMM, MMMMMM, that's right, ah-ha, ah-ha, OOOOHHHHH... The Bitch has gotta a camel toe
MMMMMM, MMMMMM, that's right, ah-ha, ah-ha, OOOOHHHHH... Fix yourself girl, you gotta camel toe.

As you can see, it's more of a hip-hop/rap song, if any of you have any ideas on a melody or can contribute more verses, please feel free.
It's gonna be the hit of Summer 2007.

Beer vs. Vagina faces off against Shoes vs. Cock

Alan, you ignorant slut. How can you send me such an e-mail and not expect a long diatribe in return?
Let's examine the facts.
Here is your point of view:

BEER vs. VAGINA

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. ONE POINT BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful. ONE POINT VAGINA
3. A really cold beer is satisfying. ONE POINT BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer, you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. ONE POINT VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer, your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina, your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. DRAW
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
ONE POINT VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
ONE POINT VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer, you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina, he may buy you a beer.
ONE POINT VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer. ONE POINT BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
ONE POINT VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. ONE POINT VAGINA
12. In most countries, there's a tax on beer. ONE POINT VAGINA
13. If you have another beer, the first one never gets pissed off. ONE POINT TO BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. ONE POINT TO BEER
15. If you shake beer, it'll get all agitated but eventually settle down. ONE POINT BEER
16. With beer you always have a choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc. ONE POINT BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost. ONE POINT BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother. ONE POINT BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it. ONE POINT TO BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

Now here's my counterpoint:

SHOES vs. COCK

1. A woman can have 100 pairs of shoes and be considered a fashionista. If she's had 100 cocks, she's considered a whore.
ONE POINT SHOES
2. The leather of a shoe stays nice and smooth even after years of wear and tear. An old cock is shriveled and wrinkly.
ONE POINT SHOES
3. You're forced to buy different pairs of shoes to remain fashionable. A cock is always in fashion. ONE POINT COCK
4. Shoes a size too small hurt your feet. Small cocks never hurt your vagina, but might hurt his pride. ONE POINT COCK
5. Shoes that are too large hurt your feet too, and you wake up the next morning barely able to walk. A large cock can have the same effect, but it's a good thing. ONE POINT COCK
6. When there's nothing on television and you're bored, putting on a pair of shoes does not entertain you. ONE POINT COCK
7. You can brag to your friends about how much you spent on shoes. Paying for cock makes you desperate. ONE POINT SHOES
8. If a heel brakes off your shoe, you can't stroke it back to hardness. ONE POINT COCK
9. Polished shoes show you have pride in your appearance. Polished cock and balls show you're gay. ONE POINT SHOES
10. Cleaning your shoes before you wear them is one thing, if you have to clean the cock before you can use it, it's gross.
ONE POINT SHOES
11. Old shoes can get new soles, but old cock is just old cock. ONE POINT SHOES
12. You can put shoes in a box and store them away, but you can't put a cock in a box (unless you're Justin Timberlake)
ONE POINT SHOES

FINAL SCORE: SHOES: 7 COCK: 5

'Fo shizzle my nizzle! Watcha gotta say fo' yo'self now, beeeyoootch? Bling Bling MOFO!

Deep in the pit of depression

Don't say it. I know. It's been over a month since I last posted something. Give me a fucking break.
1. Thanksgiving preparations took up a lot of my time, what with David's family here driving me absolutely nucking futs and the little guy so damn excited about SANTA COMING SOON, I was seriously debating hibernating or at least going into a temporary vegetative state coma to avoid the next 4 weeks.
2. I passed not one, but two kidney stones the size of a pencil eraser. Alone. In bed. While David was at work and Devyn was jumping up and down on the bed wondering why Mommy was not playing with him. All this without any pain killers. The doctor had asked me if I wanted him to prescribe some Percocet or Valium, but I am such a hard-ass and a firm believer in 'natural' remedies, I refused. I am a fucking idiot. The pain is indescribable: imagine giving birth and your vagina is refusing to open. For you guys, imagine a really long Q-Tip shoved really hard into your pee-pee hole. Now multiply the pain times 20.
3. The weather in Colorado sucks in a million different ways. We've had 3 major snowstorms in the last three weeks, one each week, always starts on a Thursday and snows straight through Sunday, so our weekends are pretty much fucked. While all of Europe and the rest of the USA is experiencing unusually warm weather, we are literally stuck in over 3 feet of snow, with snow drifts up to 12 feet high. I'm totally serious. I'll put up pictures to prove it. The temperature fluctuates between a high of 20 degrees (about -9 Celsius) to a low of -14 (about - fucking-freezing-your-balls-to-your-thighs-Celsius)
I've shoveled so much snow in the past three weeks, I have blisters on my hands and my lips are permanently cracked and bleeding. I think we should do nuclear tests in Colorado instead of Nevada and just blow up this shit state.
...and what do you know, we're supposed to get another snowstorm tonight, through Sunday. Just a couple of inches, they say. Yeah, right, I've heard that before. "I'll just put the tip in, I swear!" Yeah, then they shove in a good 6 or 7 inches.
Oh, sorry, we were talking about snow. So they say we'll get a sprinkling, but last time they said that, we got 36 inches in 9 hours, so shut the fuck up.


4. I had another birthday. I'm now 37 years old. Three years away from 40. What the fuck happened? I swear I just got out of high school a couple of years ago. Then there's those glorious 4 years of college that I so dearly miss. The best years of my life by far. LARA, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH! Whoaaaaa, where did that come from? I know, I know, I am so lucky I have a great husband, an amazing kid I love more than life itself, but this place is bringing me down!!! I hate it here! I hate being away from my friends and family, I hate living in this shit town and state and I'm beginning to think I really need to either go back to work soon if we don't move somewhere else. And I really don't want to do that, because I want to be there for Devyn as long as I can. He starts preschool on January 22nd, three days a week, from 8 to noon. It will give me a chance to take care of myself a bit, maybe finally finish my book, take up a hobby, start taking care of my body. At the same time, I can't stand the thought of being away from him for more than five minutes.

So 2007 is here and I wonder, what could possibly happen this year to make me come out of this funk? I'll need your support now more than ever, so please, be kind and rewind. No, I mean, be kind and be patient with me. I might get off topic once in a while, but I'm still the same bitch I was, just a year older.

More rants soon.