Countdown to end of vacation: T-minus 12 hours...

It's my last night in Switzerland. Man, it sure has been a quick 3 weeks! For me at least, David can't wait to have us both home. Devyn has been a terror this whole trip, except for a few bright moments of sanity here and there...
Lots of kick ass stories to tell, some cool and some really stupid. Stay tuned.
Flying out early tomorrow morning, not looking forward to the long flight and jet lag. Next post will be from the 'good ole USA'!
Catch you later, alligater!

Blog Me Harder Than You've Ever Blogged Me Before!

1. Wow. Swiss people sure are...Swiss. Went to the park in Martigny with Devyn yesterday, saw about 30 different rainbow shades of purple hair. On women. They were not punk rockers. I even saw a 70 year old granny with pink hair. I think the box of haircolor they buy actually says: "Fucked-Up Purple Swiss Hair # 202"

2. Practiced with Dave and Arco last night, for our big concert Saturday night. Holy Jesus's underwear, if we pull this off, I will eat my bra. Keep in mind I couldn't get a hang of the drums 'cause my right foot is permanently paralyzed on the upward stroke, so Dave had me playing drums ON A KEYBOARD. He said I looked like a handicapped retard banging on a piano. Nice. We are also singing the Police's 'Every Breath You Take' with a Spanish accent. Gypsy Kings style. Somewhere in England, Sting is having a heart attack.

3. Had two different kinds of cheese fondue last week, yummy, but David suffered the next day. All he needed was to eat some nuts, and his bowel movement could have looked like a Christmas cheese log.

4. Couldn't sleep last night, tried to watch T.V., unfortunately 80% of the programming was soft porn. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but watching it solo is a little disturbing. I can't be screaming obscenities at the screen, for Pete's sake!...and Nonna was upstairs in bed. Very low on the sexiness scale.

5. Speaking of Nonna, came downstairs this morning and walked in on her in the bathroom stark naked. Holy Mother of God. The blindness is finally starting to recede, I'm slowly seeing blurry shapes in the corners of my sight line. Unfortunately, the image will forever be burned in my mind...
Please God, remind me to wear my bra everyday, so that my breasts don't pool at my waist. And God, make it so I don't ever run out of razors for my legs and privates.
Amen.
Peace Out MoFo's.

Intermission: Ode to Ale and Shrimp

Ale: like night, shining bright
like a glass of doughty might.
I drink, and find I think
of oft unthought and obscure sights.

Shrimp: not malicious, quite delicious
as I eat him, he's nutritious.
Of eating and drinking
this day I find most propitious.

Happy Anniversary, F'ing Blog!

Sweet sassy molassy, I waited 68 days to be able to make some classic '69' jokes, and I freaking lost my chance... Yesterday was my 69th post and it came and went with no fanfare. 'It came and went'...Get it? It featured an appropriate story of my desire to be digitally anally raped, but didn't gather very supportive or positive responses.

What's wrong with you people? Don't you recognize poetry when it's staring you right in the face? I mean, I could have told you about the time I shit my pants in class 'cause my teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom, but did I stoop that low? No, instead I told you an uplifting story about the wonders of modern medicine.

By the way, I tested out the theory on myself last night, two fingers in the ass MOST DEFINITELY DOES NOT WORK for anything other than the hiccups. I not only still have a burning sore throat, but now my ass is throbbing. Fucking Israeli doctors.

I guess two fingers is better than a fist.

Department of Internal Medicine, Bnai Zion Medical Center, Haifa, Israel.

A 60 year old man suffering from acute pancreatitis developed persistent hiccups after the insertion of a nasogastric tube. Removal of the latter did not terminate the hiccups, which had also been treated with different drugs and several manoeuvres, all without success. Digital rectal massage was then performed resulting in the immediate cessation of the hiccups. Recurrence of the hiccups occurred several hours later, and again, were terminated immediately with digital rectal massage. This is the second reported case associating cessation of intractable hiccups with digital rectal massage. We suggest this method should be considered before proceeding with pharmacological agents.

How does this even come up?
- "I'm sorry sir, we've tried everything we can think of to cure your hiccups, to no avail."
- "Well, how about tickling my balls? You've tried that? Okay, how about blowing me? Tried that too... How about sticking a couple of fingers up my ass? Have you tried that yet? You haven't? Well, if you've got a few minutes right now, I wouldn't mind testing that theory."

I think if my doctor suggested this, I'd be just a little creeped out. Then again, my dentist did convince me he needed to look at my vagina to check for cavities.

On a related note, I've now developed a severe case of the hiccups and plan to move to Israel to pursue my dream of getting a couple of fingers inserted into my butthole.

Ricola and Cheese Fondue.

Just a short note to let everyone know we made it here. So far, nothing too exciting happening, except for David getting hit on at a bar by a drunk midget wearing silk boxers. He was this close to getting a blow job. I don't know why he turned it down, if it were me, I would try to get one wherever I can. It's not like they're being offered freely in our household.
Nonna is here, so ALL our meals have included pasta and tomato sauce in one way or another. I'm already backed up from all the starch.
It's harvest season here, my dad's friend is picking grapes and making wine today, it's pretty cool to see the whole process. Can't wait to get drunk. So far, no opportunity has presented itself, but I'm hoping for a nice wine feast very soon.
It boggles my mind that I've even been able to write these few words, seeing I am using my mom's laptop, and the letters are not where thez are supposed to be. Sorrz, let me trz that again, the letters are not where they are supposed to be. Fucking Swiss computer makers.
Yodelay He Hoo MoFo's!

Now show me...Where did Jamie touch you?

What is up with "Kelly"? Is she gay? What do you mean, she is "gender neutral"? In case a hermaphrodite molested you? Or an alien?

My 12-Step Program to Quit Smoking

1. Wake up one morning coughing up the 60 cigarettes you had the night before. Kill small pet with your rank breath.

2. Exclaim in an expletive-filled rant that you will never smoke again. Brush teeth, tongue and back of throat until you accidentally hit one of your tonsils and vomit in sink.

3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 several times over until the first thing you do after you stop swearing and puking ISN'T to reach for a pack of those tasty Marlboro Lights.

4. Spend as much money on fucking nicotine patches as you did on your previous habit. Don't limit purchase to one brand but instead, purchase EVERY product which promises it will make you stop craving that sweet, lip-smacking taste of tobacco.
At least cigarettes promise you super bonuses such as formaldehyde poison, tar and hot, hot lung cancer.

5. Apply patch. Chew gum. Light own hair on fire if you must. DO NOT SMOKE. Rub patch for good luck. Smugly note that patch will send the signal to passers-by, friends and loved ones alike that you are most certainly NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH, annoyed or looked at. Give anyone who looks at you a preemptive "FUCK YOU" or flip them the bird.

6. Sniff an ashtray.

7. Have unbelievably graphic nightmares about gigantic cigarettes chasing you and Marlboro Man trying to shove one up your bum. Wake up in a cold sweat, but craving just one little puff. Even if it's through your asshole.

8. Rock back and forth like a mental patient, fixated - unblinkingly - on having one single drag, one small puff, one snort of tobacco scent. Rub gums with fingertips and scratch upper arms non-stop.

9. Sit on your hands to stop yourself from chewing them.

10. Prey on the weak and the small. And people with brown hair. And the fat. And the skinny. And the freckled. And the...Fuck it. Be an asshole to EVERYONE.

11. Lick an ashtray.

12. Celebrate two days without a cigarette in typical fashion: light one up.

Repeat steps 1-12 every couple of days. Satisfaction or money back guaranteed.