Why Are American Children Obese? We Answer the Question.

What Men Really Think....

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BANG BANG BANG!!!

Why Blogger Needs Its Ass Kicked

It only took the last 4 HOURS to be able to post on damn Blogger. Usually flows freely, today as constipated as me after a big meal of rice and beans. Not that I have anything important to talk about, but I would like to be able to put fingers to keyboard as soon as I have a whiff of any inspiration.
Today, no whiff whatsoever. Not even a scent. Wait...what's that smell? Never mind, little dude just cut the cheese.
Speaking of the little dude and cutting the cheese, my project today has been making a posting board to place in the bathroom, so everytime he goes pee or poo, he gets a sticker. Damn, at this rate, I'm going to run out of stickers by the end of the day. He tugs on his weenie and makes a drop of pee at a time, so he can get a sticker on the board. Thinking about making myself a board too, with a sticker for every day I can go without saying "Fuck". Oh fuck! I said "fuck"! No sticker today.

WHAT I ATE TODAY:
a bowl of Fruit Loops
Rigatoni with Eggplant and Pancetta

MUSIC I'M LISTENING TO:
New John Mayer
New Tony Bennett Duets
Il Giardino Armonico

WHAT I'M READING:
The 48 Laws of Power

WHAT I'M WATCHING (little dude has the remote):
Spongebob Squarepants
Lazy Town
Wonder Pets
Wow Wow Wubbzy

COUNTDOWN TO VACATION:
T minus 8 days

CONVERSATIONS I'VE HAD TODAY:
"Do you need to pee-pee?", "Do you need to poo-poo?", "Are you sure you don't need to pee?", "Stop, put that down!",
"Don't ride the dog!", "Put your toys away!", "Stop pulling mommie's hair!", "Twinkle, twinkle, little star...", "ABCDEFG, HIJKLMNOP...", "Once upon a time, there were three little pigs..."

CONVERSATIONS I SORTA WISH I WAS HAVING:
"How big of a retard is President Bush?", "Can you believe President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan was on the Daily Show last night?", "Is it me or did John Mayer jump the shark on this last record?", "We seriously need to pull our troops out of Afghanistan...", "Can you believe 'Tokyo Rose' died yesterday?", "I wonder what idiotic things Bush will say to President Karzai and President Musharraf when he meets with them today..."

I asked little dude what he thought of the meeting between the heads of state of Afghanistan and Pakistan, he said "I LIKE CHOCOLATE. GIVE ME SOME CHOCOLATE."

I seriously need some adult interaction.

...And you complain your boyfriend doesn't wash his balls!

Here's a list of some totally bizarre sex laws from around the world:

1. Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (I love animals...grilled with some olive oil and rosemary)

2. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Jamie, you douchebag, I told you to check between that sheep's legs!)

3. In Baharain (Michael Jackson's new home land), a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitalia, but is forbidden from looking DIRECTLY at it during the examination. He may only see the reflection in a mirror.

4. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (I wonder if the expression "woody" derives from this?)

5. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Play with your little head, lose your big one)

6. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Wow, must be a country full of slut-whores)

7. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
(the husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (How does the man keep an erection with the mother-in-law watching?)

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (They needed to pass a law for this?)

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold." (Let's get drunk and f&#$)

Any ideas for some laws we need to pass here?

Intermission: Ode to Cheese, Why I Love Thee.

Bonsoir, fromage!
Accept this homage,
Please, from thy awed and
Trembling admirant.
Fruit of the land,
With pen in hand
I compose this ode
To thy crumbling, aged beauty.

And though thou dost,
Upon occasion,
Bind me bowels
Unmercifully, such that,
Colon clenching and
Gut wrenching becomes the
Daily lot of morning
Secretion
Still I express and
Impress my love for thee
And thy crumbling, aged beauty.

Vomit, Puke and Regurgitation.

Forgot to tell you about the most exciting part of my day. Little dude woke me up at 4:00am, complaining he was "all wet" and needed me to change him. I don't know how in the hell he was sleeping, but all the piss on the bed was concentrated on his pillow and the top sheet. There's nothing like the fresh smell of piss in the middle of the night. Gag. I changed his diaper, his pajamas and the sheets, then tried to lull him back to sleep. Forty five seconds into the second verse of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star", he projectile vomits all over me. Just stomach acid, water and saliva, but nevertheless a good amount.
I get him up, take off his pajamas again, change all the vomit covered sheets, try to put him back to sleep, but he insists "it's morning" and "I want to see my puppies". Great. So I'm up again before 5 am.
We go to the living room and turn on the T.V., then for the next 5 hours, he pukes intermittently every 10 minutes or so. David can't even be in the same room, he tells me he now feels sick and has to throw up, goes back upstairs to lie down.
After what seems like the longest and grossest 5 hours of my life, little dude drinks a huge glass of water, asks for food, and sits down to play with his cars. As fast as the puking started, it's gone. He eats a whole bag of crackers, two slices of bread and two slices of pizza that night.
I'm so exhausted I can barely wipe myself after peeing.
The joys of motherhood.
May all your joy be pure joy and all your pain, champagne.

Elvis Presley. Really?

When am I going to learn to keep my big mouth shut? I told you guys I wanted to sing in front of a crowd before I died and sure enough, my wish is coming true. I'm going to Switzerland the first week of October to visit my family, wanted to take advantage of this time to mess around with my brother and possibly record some songs with him. Next thing I know, he calls me and tells me he is having a concert on the 21st and needs me to play drums and sing with him.
HOLY SHIT! I haven't touched a drumset in almost 16 years and don't even know if I can play, with my fucked up right foot and all. Then he sends me the set list. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Here, let me share it with you:
The Beatles - yeah, cool...but we're not going to be playing the TYPICAL Beatles songs...
Rock 'n' Roll Music
Slow Down
Kansas City

Elvis Presley - WHAT THE HELL????
That's All Right Mama
Jailhouse Rock
Love Me Tender

The Rolling Stones - I would rather be stoned (with rocks) than play any of their crap
The Last Time
Angie

Pink Floyd - more lame 70's shit
Another Brick in The Wall
Wish You Were Here

Blues - ARE YOU HIGH???? AAARGHHHH!
Bad To The Bone - George Thoroughood
Cocaine - Eric Clapton
Sweet Home Chicago - The Blues Brothers

Country - KILL ME NOW! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!
Country Roads - John Denver
Amarillo by Morning - Hank Williams Jr.
Please Baby - Mark Knopfler

Rock - YOU CALL THIS ROCK??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......
Gone Ridin' - Chris Isaak
Losing My Religion - R.E.M.
Knocking on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan
Don't Look Back in Anger - Oasis
Sing - Travis
What's Up - 4 Non Blondes
One - U2
Hotel California - The Eagles
Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel
Dream - the Everly Brothers
Light My Fire - The Doors
Hey Joe - Jimi Hendrix
Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Johnny Be Goode - Chuck Berry
Barbra Ann - the Beach Boys

Medley - PLEASE, NO MORE! MUST. GET. AWAY. CAN'T. BREATHE.
La Bamba/Louie, Louie/ Twist and Shout/Every Breath You Take (Gypsy Kings Style)

WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO???
My parents said they can't wait for it, they will come see us perform. I have a couple of weeks before it happens to convince my brother to change some of this crap. He told me "You don't know Swiss people! They LOVE this music!"
Mommie, I'm scared. Hold me.

Snow sucks.

Shit. Damn. It's officially winter here. Had our first snow on Friday, just a dusting down here, but over two feet up in the mountains. I fucking hate Colorado. I wish I was back in Arizona, where summer extends through the middle of October and the coldest winter temperature is 70 degrees. But I digress.
Here are the results of the new haircut poll:

Number of people who think I have lost some major weight: 2
Number of people who thought it looked nothing like me: 3 (including mother in law)
Number of people who thought I looked hot: 2 (including brother)
Number of people who wondered where my nose went: 2
Number of people who thought I looked like an alien from the movie "Cocoon": 1 (Jamie, you're really fucked up)
Number of people who thought it made me look at least 10 years younger: 1 (great, now I look like I'm 10)
Number of people who thought I used someone else's picture: 1 (my grandmother. Granted, she's 84 and senile)
Number of people who couldn't distinguish their head from their ass: 1 (mother in law)

In other news, the little dude decided to really play with poop. I was drying my hair in the bathroom, came in and told me "I need to make poo-poo." I told him, great, let's sit on the toilet. He says "No, I made poo-poo." Okay, then let's change your diaper. I take it off, no poop. I tell him "There's no poop in your diaper!" He says 'No, I hide the poo-poo." Turns out he stuck his hand down his pants, pulled all the little poop nuggets out and hid them under the chair in my bedroom. Probably one of the most disgusting things I've ever had the unfortunate pleasure of cleaning up.
At least he didn't juggle with it. Or eat it.

Day Two: Fun with New Haircut and New Camera.

I'm the Prince of Darkness.

I dyed my hair again yesterday, trying to get it that nice chocolate brown I keep seeing on T.V. on the likes of Penelope Cruz and Eva Longoria, in their hair coloring ads. The box said "Chocolate Brown", but unfortunately what came out is more like "Black". And I did such a poor job, I missed a whole chunk of hair on the back of my head, which stayed a nice shade of dark blonde, like a skunk. David saw me and said: "You look like Ozzy Osborne." I punched him in the face. No, I'm kidding, I just told him to go f#$@ himself.
Then I had the bright idea of going to get my haircut. I had an idea in my mind of a hairstyle I saw on Nelly Furtado at the "Fashion Rocks" show, brought pictures along to show the hairdresser.
Here's what came out. I look NOTHING like Nelly Furtado. But put some round glasses on my face and I could easily sing for Black Sabbath.

ebay IS THE DEVIL'S WORK!

Okay everyone, I gave in and tried to buy something on ebay. On my dad's account, of course. I wasn't about to enter ANY personal information that could have them (the enemy) track me.
I need a new pair of boots, seeing how my fucked up right foot doesn't fit into any of my HUNDREDS of pairs of shoes, much less my boots. I have an old pair of Kenneth Cole patent leather mid-calf boots that I absolutely love, but since my ankle is now permanently swollen to the size of an orange, I can't even cram my foot in there. And I tried. Hard.

So I entered the domain and did a search for "Kenneth Cole mid-calf boots". HALLELUJAH! The exact same pair of boots (only in regular leather) was up for bid! In a size 8! (for the record, I'm normally a size 6 1/2, but with the swollen foot...) I had to call my brother in Switzerland right away, 'cause being an ebay virgin, I wasn't quite sure what I had to do next. He placed a bid for me ($27. Yeah, I know, I'm cheap) then asked me what my maximum bid was going to be: $50. The auction was over in 16 hours, and as soon as we placed my first bid, I was the current winner. I didn't check on it again until the last hour and ANOTHER COCKSUCKING BIDDER WAS OUTBIDDING ME!!!!
She (I'm only assuming the bitch was a she) had bid $52 and forced me to bid $53....and then IT WAS ON!!
For the next hour, we outbid each other $1 at a time, until finally, with 36 seconds left on the auction, MY FUCKING COMPUTER LOCKS UP ON ME! I had just bid $72, the bitch bid $73. And won.

It took me a good 15 minutes to calm down and stop myself from picking up my IMac and tossing it on the ground.
Then I realized the enemy was not my lovely, beautiful, sleek computer, but that it was THAT MOTHERFUCKING DEVIL INCARNATE BITCH WHORE ebay!!

I'm never going back on again. Unless I see another pair of Kenneth Cole mid-calf boots.

(Fucked-up)News from around the world.

(P.S.: Yeah, Xa, stole this post from you. Just proves how much I admire you. Plus, I don't have an original idea in my mind)

1. From the cover of "DUH!" Magazine:

WILLIE NELSON CITED FOR MARIJUANA AND MUSHROOM POSSESSION - Really? Who would've thunk it! "When the door of the bus was opened, the trooper smelled the strong odor of marijuana." What did he think he was going to smell, roses? IT'S WILLIE NELSON, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!


2. FISHER PRICE UNVEILS NEW "TMX ELMO" - for a second, I thought it said "DMX ELMO". I mean, the similarities are uncanny. DMX's real name is Earl = Elmo. I wonder if this new doll comes with its own supply of crack, a 9 mil, and 15 pit bulls. And if it sings "Party Up (Up in Here)" when you tickle him. Tried to look up a picture, unfortunately Fisher Price only shows TMX ELMO hidden in the shadows... I think I can make out the outline of a crack pipe, though... Coming soon: "CRACK HO PRAIRIE DAWN".


3. COLOMBIANS RIVETED BY NEW CALL-GIRL SOAP OPERA - it's called "Sin Tetas no hay Paraiso": "Without Boobs There's no Paradise".
THOSE COLOMBIAN BASTARDS STOLE MY LIFE STORY!!! - then I realized it's about a flat-chested prostitute on the streets of Bogota, trying to make a better life for herself. At least, they stole the "prostitute" part from my life.


4. BEER CELEBRATES 10TH ANNIVERSARY - "Founder Jeremy Cowan said he started out his business a decade ago with the idea of making a beer aimed at the Jewish community. He named it "He'Brew". - needs no explanation.


5. PENIS TRANSPLANT REPORTED IN CHINA - "Chinese doctors say they successfully transplanted a penis on a man who lost his own in an accident, but had to remove it two weeks later because of psychological problems experienced by the man and his wife." - First of all, what kind of accident causes you to lose your penis? Any suggestions?
"The couple requested the organ be removed because of the wife's psychological rejection as well as the swollen shape of the transplanted penis." - did they transplant his penis with a black man's? "Swollen"? Had she never seen her hubby's penis erect? Exactly how small was his original penis, that would cause such a reaction?
Anyone remember that song "DETACHABLE PENIS"?
This story just freaks me out. What's he going to do now, wait until some other guy dies and decides to donate his penis, hoping it's a better size match for his wife?

Shut the fuck up. I hate you.

You're not smart, you're not good-looking, and no one cares what you think. So stop writing about local politics, cooking, your crap paintings or your pets on your blog. It's obvious that no one likes you. The only thing blogs are good for is humour, so stop using words like "amorphous" and "cognitive", because I'm not completely sure what they mean and I'm way too cool and lazy to find out. You're never going to lose that extra 50 lbs, get married or get rich. Stop picking your nose while stopped at a red light and make me honk my horn to wake you out of your stupor. Stop wearing spandex capri pants three sizes too small, with your big buddha belly hanging out the top and your cottage cheese thighs and force me to look at your camel toe. Stop riding your 1984 Dodge Shadow with shit music blaring out the windows. Stop calling me "dude", "bro", "sis" or any other African American ebonics-dialect words. And for fuck's sake, don't let me catch you picking your underwear out of your ass, scratching your balls or "rearranging" them in public.

Cause and Effect. It's a simple theory.

I'm so freakin' tired and my head feels like it's going to split open. The little dude decided to interrupt my sleep again last night. He showed up in our room at 3 am and told me "Mommy, get up and move. I want to sleep with Daddy!" "Wouldn't you rather go back to your bed with Mommy?" "Mommy, I said move! I want my bed (he means pillow)." Went into his room, got in his bed, then realized it was soaking wet with urine... Yummy. Had to go wake his ass up to change him, go back in his room and tear off the sheets...You get the picture. A clusterfuck night.
I'm constantly looking for new products, books and cd's that claim to promote little dude's intellectual development. I come from a very musical family, so I started playing cd's in his crib from the time he was born. First, it was lullabies, then we moved on to classical music. Now, little dude's favorite music HAS to have crazy rhythm AND has to be EXTREMELY loud. I swear he was rocking out to Rob Zombie the other day. He does some mean dance moves, including a contortionist-belly dancer-break-dancing move that makes me wet my pants every time.
Heard of the "Mozart Effect"? Supposedly playing classical music to children while they are in the womb and in the first few years, increases their brain activity and stimulates learning. Why only classical music? And if classical music increases intelligence, isn't it likely that some music actually decreases it?

Good Music for Baby:

* Stevie Wonder (give baby some funk or "PHUNK")
* Marvin Gaye (Warning: limit listening to "Sexual Healing", unless you want a sex freak on your hands)
* The Police (Guh..Goo, goo,goo. Guh...Ga,ga,ga)
* Peter Gabriel (poetry)
* The Beatles (happy,happy, joy, joy)
* The Cure and The Smiths (baby needs to know depression as well)
* Bob Marley (chillin', baby)
* Public Enemy (Boyyeee!)
* The Pixies (give baby an insight into mental problems)

Bad Music for Baby:

* Sting (he seems smart, but his music will make you dumb)
* any music by a former or current TV personality
* Dave Matthews Band (man, I hate this fucker)
* Marilyn Manson
* any TV show theme music
* any music that discusses how much jewelry the artist has, how many people the artist has slept with, how much money the artist spends, or how many bullet wounds are on his body.
* any music that comments on 9/11 or the war in Iraq
* any music by someone who has slept with Ben Affleck, has been a Mouseketeer, has been in a widely publicized sex video, or shows her vagina every other day.
* any music made by a professional athlete.
* Black Eyed Peas or any of their individual members
* Bob Dylan (what the fuck is he saying?)
* the White Stripes
* any heavy metal

Am I missing anything?

Get up, get get, get down, 911's a joke in your town!

11:30 last night. Doorbell rings. Dave is sound asleep and snoring next to me, I wake his ass up and tell him there's someone at the door. He throws on some shorts and a t-shirt and goes to the door. Two cops greet him.

COP: "Is this the Hyatt residence?"

DAVE: (yawning) "Yeah. What can I help you with?"

COP: "Is Laura Hyatt here?"

DAVE: "Yeah, that's my wife. What's going on?"

COP: "Sir, we need to speak to Mrs. Hyatt. This is personal."

ME: (by this time, I'm halfway down the stairs, in my undies and a t-shirt) "I'm Lara Hyatt, officer. What do you need?"

COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, did you just come home from work?"

ME: "No, I don't work. I'm a stay at home mom. What is this about?"

COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, we received an anonymous call that you came home from work depressed, were threatening to commit suicide and take your children with you. You do have three children here with you?"

ME: "Actually, I only have one child. And as you can see, I am absolutely fine, you just woke my ass up. Do I look like I want to commit suicide?"

COP: "Mrs. Hyatt, the caller was quite specific with your name and this address. He said your children were in danger and we needed to come assess the situation."

ME: "You need to assess this fact. I was sound asleep, you just woke us all up, I only have one child who is 3 years old and in no way am I trying to kill myself! Get your facts straight and check the address and name."

COP: "So you're sure you are not depressed and considering suicide?"

ME: "I'm a 100% positive, officer. You have the wrong person."

COP: "Let me call dispatch and confirm. (gets on radio) Dispatch, can you please give me name and address on possible suicide?" (waits a while) "Confirm the name, dispatch. Higall, at 811 @#$. Over and out."

ME: "Seeing how my last name is Hyatt and this is 801 @#$, I think you have both the wrong person and the wrong address."

COP: "Huh, we're sorry for disturbing you, Mr. and Mrs. Hyatt. Have a good night."

ME: "Same to you. (under my breath) Damn stupid motherfuckers."

Your tax dollars at work. Fucking retards.

New! Anorexic Barbie! Available Christmas 2006!

Hmmm...Ha. Funny. Hilarious. Now get over here so I can spank your ass.

Even my 2 1/2 year old makes fun of my boobs... He did this without any instructions from anyone. I hope this is just a phase and he doesn't grow up to be a drag queen.
Here he is in full boob regalia, while shouting: "Look! Big boobies like mommy's!"

When in doubt...Call Roto-Rooter.

Good news. Got a clean bill of health yesterday. My colon and intestines are free of any bothersome growths! This time, they only gave me a local anesthetic, so I got to see my colon on screen. It only took about 15 minutes, yet I'm sure the doctor didn't quite enjoy my asking "what's that?" every few seconds. I giggled and laughed the whole time. I mean, how could I not? I had a 10 foot cable and camera shoved up my ass!
Makes me think back on the day a certain someone had to get his prostate checked. Little did he know it had to be done rectally. You would think they had shoved a tank up his butt, the way he walked out of the room with his legs wide apart, pale as a ghost, sweating profusely. I had to drive back home, the big guy lying down in the back seat on his side, breathing through his mouth, while I laughed and reminded him "it was only two fingers!"

Introducing "Shit Cleaner Barbie"!

The most disturbing toy I have seen in a long time... You feed the doggy treats, then it poops them out and Barbie picks them up with her "specially made for Barbie" pooper-scooper.
Coming soon:
"Menstruating Barbie" - comes with month's supply of tampons and Mydol

"Drunk and Vomiting Barbie" - comes with 6-pack of beer and rubberband, to keep her hair out of her face while vomiting.

"Swollen Prostate Ken" - comes with plastic glove and lubricant to perform anal prostate exam.

Four...Favorite Insults.

4. You might want to wipe your mouth, you still have some bullshit around it. - used when someone is really laying it on thick with the bullshit. Shuts them up instantly.

3. I'd like to see things from your perspective, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass. - can be used in the workplace or with spouse. Efficient and quick.

2. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted. - a classic. Can be used any time anyone opens their big mouth to spew some fucking nonsense.

1. Why don't we just play hide and go fuck yourself. - used when someone is continuously bugging you. (WARNING: not recommended for use on your 3 year old son)

And now a word from our sponsors....

Jesus rocks.

This is from this morning's paper. Love me some of that crapfruit.

Take Foot: Insert in Mouth.

My friend Buck just sent me an e-mail with some perfect examples of why most people (including me) should think before they speak.

1. "I walked into a hair salon with my husband and kids and asked loudly: "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked right out."

2. "I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by a really good-looking salesman. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. "My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied "No, thank you, I'm just looking at your nuts."

4. "While in line at the bank, my toddler lost control and began running around. I was finally able to grab hold of her and threatened her that if she did not start behaving she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening: "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" I walked out out of the bank and the last thing I heard were screams of laughter."

5. "My 3 year old had problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day, we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch. While sitting there, I smelled something funny and realized my son had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go and he said no. I started getting really worried, because I didn't have any clothes to change him and asked him again, "Are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So I asked him one more time "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!" Then he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down."

6. THIS ONE ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME
"I was waiting in line at the deli department in a grocery store, with my son sitting in the cart. With approximately 20 people around us, he grabbed my breasts real hard and screamed "LOOK, BOOBIES! BIG, MOMMY BOOBIES!" The guys in line really appreciated this outburst."

Feel free to contribute any embarrassing moments.

September 11th is a Pain in the Ass....Literally.

Wow. It's here again. Like Christmas, Easter, my birthday. It's now a yearly celebration, of what I'm not quite sure. I'm supposed to remember this day every year, like it was special??? Yeah, nothing like getting up in the morning and thinking: "Happy September 11th! More than 2000 people died five years ago! Yipee!"
I'm not being insensitive, but can you imagine if people in the Middle East remembered every day that some of their own were killed in a terrorist attack???? EVERY DAY WOULD BE SEPTEMBER 11th!!!
This country seems intent on celebrating death more than life... Now I can also look forward to being reminded yearly of the anniversary of Katrina hitting New Orleans. Then there's the Oklahoma City bombing, the Waco fires, the San Francisco earthquake...I could go on, but I really don't have the time or give a shit. Our government expects us to remember these days, yet they have done NOTHING to assure us they won't happen again. We're not any safer from terrorist attacks, we still have plenty of homegrown terrorists to keep us occupied, the levees in New Orleans still suck and we can't prevent any earthquakes....so......Here's how I began my special day:
I needed to read the prep instructions for Thursday's appointment (see: ASS RAPING), couldn't find the packet anywhere. Asked David if he knew where it was, gave me a funny look, then said: "Mmmmm....I might have thrown it in the trash...I spilled some coffee on the counter and it got a bunch of mail wet...Maybe your packet was with it."
AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! The prescription for all the medicine I need was also with the packet! We ran outside right before the trash pick-up and spent thirty minutes elbow-deep in dirty diapers, tomato sauce and various other disgusting items, before finding the coffee stained documents.
Too bad my colonoscopy wasn't scheduled for today, I could definitely remember it and celebrate it year after year.

Love, Love Will Keep Us Together: the TRUE Adventures of the REAL "Captain & Tenille"

Here's a sample conversation between Dave and I (the lovebirds):
(Keep in mind this is happening while Devyn is asleep)
DAVE - on the toilet
ME - reading a book on the couch

DAVE: "Hon, can you get me a roll of toilet paper? I'm out!"

ME: "Why didn't you check before you sat down to take a crap? I'm not your slave!"

DAVE: "Can you just get me a freakin' roll of paper without bitching, or am I going to have to go get it myself with shit hanging out of my ass?"

ME: "Don't fucking talk to me that way! Asshole! Why don't you just wipe your ass with your hand!"

DAVE: "You are such a fucking bitch, it's unbelievable." (goes to get toilet paper, none upstairs, has to go downstairs)

DAVE: "There's no fucking paper up here! Are you going to fucking make me walk all the way downstairs? You better get off your fat ass and get me some paper!"

ME: "That's it, motherfucker! When you get down here I'm going to kick your fucking ass!" (gets up from couch, gets toilet paper from downstairs bathroom and takes it upstairs)

ME: "Here you go, fuckface!"

ME: "Hey, what do you want for dinner?"

DAVE: "I don't know, just make something easy and quick. I know you're tired after the long day with Devyn. I'll sleep with him tonight so you can get some rest."

ME: "Thanks honey! I love you."

Stay tuned for more adventures.

The True Meaning of Friendship

When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastards who made you sad.

When you are blue - I will perform the Heimlich maneuver and try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile - I will know you finally got laid and will ask you who in the hell would want to bang you.

When you are scared - I will call you a chicken-shit and make fun of you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about people who have it much worse than you, then tell you to quit whining.

When you are confused - I will call you a fucking retard and use simpler words.

When you are sick - I will stay the hell away until you get better. I don't want whatever the fuck you have.

When you fall - I will call you a fucking moron and will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Who wouldn't want me as a best friend?

Five...Funniest Porn Titles Based on Movies.

5. Tits of Fury

4. Big Trouble in Little Vagina

3. Sperms of Endearment

2. Monty's Python

1. Lawrence of a Labia

Six Things...You didn't know about me.

6. I like to sleep on my right side only.

5. I've only smoked pot twice in my life.

4. I'm deathly afraid of not being able to remove a tampon, or of losing it in my insides.

3. I read in the bathroom.

2. I am scared and terrified of birds.

1. I have a mole in a very special, private area.

Et tu, Paris?

Paris Hilton was arrested today for DUI. No duh. Her spokesperson insists she only had ONE margarita to drink, that the reason she was weaving all over the road was she had worked all day on her "album", she was tired, had to attend a party and could not concentrate on her driving. Right. The fact her blood alcohol level was over .08 (legal limit) was just a symptom of all that "rocking out to her music" she had done earlier in the day. When the police officer asked her if she could "blow this" (meaning the balloon to check her level), she pulled down his zipper and tried to whip his cock out.
I'm just kidding! She tried to whip it out, then realized the officer was a woman.
"Stars are blind"...When they're too drunk to drive and can't see the road.
In honor of Miss Hilton, here's one of my favorite blond jokes:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says:" Can you come over? I'm working on this really hard jigsaw puzzle and just cannot figure it out!"
The boyfriend says: "What is it supposed to be when completed?"
"According to the box, it should be a rooster." says the blonde.
The boyfriend comes over, takes a quick look at the puzzle on the table, takes a deep breath and says "First of all, I don't think we could ever combine all these pieces together to form a rooster." Then he takes her hand, leads her away from the table and calmly tells her "Let me get you a cup of coffee, then we can put all the corn flakes back in the box."

It's official...I'm a GENIUS!!!

And my third grade teacher said I wouldn't amount to anything... I think I might go to medical school, now that I know just HOW smart I am.

Seven...Fucked-up Answers to Really Simple Questions.

7. Is it raining outside? - Does it ever rain inside, you fucking moron?

6. Are you gonna eat that? - No, I was thinking of shoving it up my ass.

5. Table for how many? - One, my husband will sit on my shoulders.

4. Where's the restroom? - It depends, are you a really ugly woman, or a guy with man-boobs?

3. Do these pants make me look fat? - No, but your face does.

2. Does this shirt make me look thinner? - Yeah, now you look like you weigh only 349lbs.

1. Do you have the time? - ...To tell you to go fuck yourself? Yes.

Eight...Stupid Questions Americans Have Asked Me.

8. You're from Switzerland? Do you speak Swedish?

7. What do they speak in Switzerland? Switzerlandish?

6. You're from Switzerland? Did you live close to the Eiffel Tower?

5. You're from Switzerland? Do they really wear wooden clogs there?

4. Did you celebrate Christmas in Switzerland?

3. You're Italian? You're not very hairy.

2. You're Italian? I thought all Italians were dark-skinned.

1. You're Italian? But you don't smell bad!

Nine Things....I never, ever want to see (again)

9. A bottle of Peppermint Schnapps.

8. Marrons glaces (chestnuts dipped in marzipan and sugar).

7. A bottle of Yagermeister.

6. A goat's penis (trust me, not pretty).

5. A bottle of Tequila.

4. A 400lbs woman passed out on the bathroom floor, in a pool of her own shit.

3. A woman inserting oranges into her vagina.

2. A woman smoking a cigarette through her vagina.

1. A woman having sex with a donkey (or donkey having sex with a woman).

Your Own Personal Jesus...or Jose.

I was watching "Flip This House" last night, it's a show about people purchasing rundown properties for cheap, spending some money to fix them up, then selling them for a huge profit. I'm interested in possibly doing the same, seeing how I really enjoy demolition, woodworking and interior decorating. The only problem would be trying to find a work crew similar to the ones I saw on the show. Mexicans, Mexicans and more Mexicans. Mexicans painting, Mexicans putting down tile, Mexicans doing the landscaping. Mind you, the show does not take place in Mexico, but in California, Nevada, Arizona, etc. Of course, the home owners were white and didn't seem to be doing much, except stand around with a cup of coffee in their hand and watch the progress.

It really got me thinking about immigration again. I was wondering what the percentage of Mexicans staying in the US forever is, compared to the ones who come here, work their asses off, make some good money, then move back to Mexico and live the rest of their lives as rich land owners. I read an article a couple of months ago about this little town in Mexico, modeled after a basic, classic, Norman Rockwell American town. The population is only 1500, but they are all Mexicans who worked a majority of their lives in the US, saved all their money, then moved back to Mexico, built whole towns with successful businesses, and built themselves huge mansions. This particular town was built 10 years ago and the citizens are now starting to feel a change in the economy. Many of them are considering coming back to the US for a few years, to make some more money they can take back home.

I know of this process first hand. David's family had a live-in maid for 25 years, from the time David was born until he left home and got married. Her name was Maria, she was the meanest woman I've ever met. In the 25 years she lived in the US, she never bothered to learn English and David's family never bothered to learn Spanish, so it was a miracle they could understand each other at all. Maria lived in the laundry room in the back of the house, with her own little bathroom. She had complete run of the house, from laundry to ironing, cooking, cleaning and taking care of David as he was growing up, since his mom and dad worked full time. She lived at the house Monday through Friday, then would go home to Mexico on the weekend. For the first 10 years, they paid her $50/week. After all, she was getting free room and board... She made about $2500 a year, $25,000 in 10 years. Then, she asked for a raise, saying David was a handful and she needed more money (keep in mind this was in the 70's) They started paying her $100/week. So let's see, 100 x 52 = $5200/year for 10 years = $52,000. In 1990, she said the cost of living was getting so high, she needed more money. 150 x 52 = $7300/year for 5 years = $36,500. She made about $115,000 in 25 years of work. It may seem like no money to most of us, but keep in mind Maria saved EVERY penny she made and also had additional income from cleaning houses for David's mother's friends during the week.

Maria retired in 1995, moved to Guaymas, Mexico, into a huge 6 bedroom mansion on the beach.. She also put 3 kids through college (one of which is a doctor) and took yearly vacations, sending David's family postcards from beautiful locales.

I was looking for the vacuum cleaner one day, and opened Maria's closet. In it, I found many bundles of cash, held together by rubber bands, holding thousands of dollars. This woman didn't eat, didn't purchase new clothes, didn't own a car, lived on nothing for 25 years and managed to keep all her money for her family. I have so much respect for her...Even if I think she was the meanest, craziest, rudest person I've ever known.

Totally off the subject, one night David and I walked in on a naked Maria. We had just come home from a night of debauchery, opened the door into the house, and found Maria, naked as the day she was born, standing in the hallway fiddling with the air conditioner. She screamed bloody murder, put her arms in the air and jumped up and down.
At the time, Maria was probably 70 years old.
I have never seen so much jiggling and hair in my life. Her pubic hair started somewhere in the middle part of her thighs and went all the way up past her navel. It looked like she was wearing hair shorts. Her boobs hung all the way down past her belly button, like couple of flat, long pancakes. She turned around to run into her room and I noticed she had hair ON her butt cheeks. Can you picture CHAKA from Land of the Lost? Yeah, pretty much like that. It's been 16 years, and I can still close my eyes and see her perfectly.

The moral of this story??? No matter how poor, mean, hairy and ugly you are, if you persist and make sacrifices, you can be successful and rich. Even if you are a Mexican.

The Tao of Timberlake

I believe very strongly in giving credit where credit is due. And the fact is, we all owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Justing Timberlake. Justin's new single "SexyBack", for those of you who haven't had the hankering for ear punishment, is one of the worst songs to come out this year (only slightly ahead of Fergie's "London Bridge"). In it, Mr. Timberlake boasts "I'm bringing sexy back." Who else brought sexy back? Or sexyback, for that matter. Apparently sexy went missing, and no one but Justin was able to bring it back. That's right. Were it not for Justin, all of us would have remained sexyless, many of us without even knowing it.

So what if the song is a mess of muffled, distorted vocals, lack of melody, inane and repetitive lyrics and a beat ripped off from ex-girlfriend Britney's "I'm A Slave 4U"? THE MAN BROUGHT SEXY BACK! Singlehandedly. Sure Jonas Salk invented the vaccine for polio, the Wright Brothers discovered flight and Ronald Reagan popularized jelly beans, but were any of them able or willing to bring sexyback? No! Did any of them even attempt to bring sexy back?

Now Justin will not only be known as one of the participants of Nipplegate 2004, a member of a pop-bubblegum boy band and Britney's ex, but he will now be known forever as the man who, in an act of pure selflessness, with no concern for quality of music, brought sexy back for us all.

How can any of us measure with Justin? He has done more for humanity than anyone in history. Can you imagine being at a party with Mr. Timberlake now?
Justin: So what did you bring to the party?
Me: I brought some potato salad and some chips. What about you?
Justin: Oh, I brought sexy back.
Me: You did??? Where did it go?
Justin: I don't quite know, but I brought it back.
Me: (looking down at my potato salad, disgustedly) Wow. You brought back something exciting and extinct.
Justin: Nice potato salad.

Next, I'm hoping Justin is willing to work his magic again and bring back some other extinct things:
the Dodo Bird
Dinosaurs
Saber-tooth tigers
Receding hairlines

I mean, if not Justin, who else would have the power? After all, he did bring sexy back.

Ass-holay Mio!

Wonderful news: just found out I need to have a colonoscopy in a couple of weeks. It's about time! I missed my regular ass-rapings. Not that I'm counting or anything, but I think this will be the 3rd or 4th time my colon is going to be a movie star. I've already started preparing: I've gone on a diet so I can lose those last 10lbs, I'm thinking of getting a nice all-over spray tan(including, of course, my bunghole), maybe even a tattoo or a nice piercing, to really distinguish myself from the hundreds of other assholes my doctor has seen. I also want to have the cleanest orifice ever, so that it looks younger on camera. Now all that's left is convincing my doctor to use a filter on the camera, to give my colon a "softer" look.
I'm ready for my close-up, Dr. DeMille...

Blondes don't have more fun

That's it, I've finally done it. For those of you who haven't seen me in a while, I had the bright idea of going blond about 6 months ago. I swear the chemicals and bleach burned a few brain cells, 'cause I had the distinct feeling I was becoming more and more of an idiot as the months passed. Whoever said "blondes have more fun" is a fucking retard. First of all, the process literally fried my hair. The hairdresser had to strip all the color off first ( I was a kinda natural brownie-redhead), then when my hair was the shade of a cold glass of light beer, reapply an ash blond color all over and finally streak my hair with almost platinum highlights. I have to admit I liked it at first, made me look younger and hotter...Until I got home, dropped my pants and realized the curtains didn't match the rug. At all. Not even close. And I wasn't about to apply all those chemicals on my furry friend. The hair started growing out, leaving a halo at the roots, of what can only be described as the blackest hair I'd ever seen (peppered with quite a few strands of white). I looked freakish, bordering on white trash. Short of spending another $100 to have the bleaching process done, I opted instead to coloring my hair back to my natural light brown shade.
It's like an awakening, for the first time in months, I actually feel like myself. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a stranger staring back. The tops match the tail. And I swear my IQ just went back up a couple of notches. There is no way all those fucking idiots in Hollywood (Paris,Jessica Simpson, Britney, etc.) are natural blondes. I think every time they get their hair done, they're probably laying in a bed, stark naked, while some big Russian lesbian is lathering their privates with bleach.