Ten Things....I wanna do before I die.

I figure I've got about another 45-50 years of living, so most of these things could be accomplished before I kick the bucket:

10. I want to be able to wear heels again, without the nagging fear of breaking my ankle.

9. I want to let my hair grow out its natural color (after 20 years, hard to say what that is)

8. I want to kiss a woman. Not because I've got homosexual tendencies, just to see what it feels like.

7. I want to really punch someone in the face.

6. I want to go to China and see the Great Wall.

5. I want to go to Egypt and see the Pyramids.

4. I want to get up on a stage and sing for people.

3. I want to open my own restaurant.

2. I want to write a novel and get it published.

1. I want to adopt more children.

I don't really want fame or fortune, I just want to enjoy life at its fullest.

Assorted daily rants

I hate white underwear. Why is it my spousal unit finds it necessary to only wear white boxer shorts? I've added up the hours I spent in the last 16 years trying to remove assorted stains from his shorts, let me tell you, it's not pretty. Hours I could've used to, I don't know, read a book, go for a walk, watch paint dry. I've tried bleaching the shit out of them, they turned a bright shade of pink and the stains are still visible. Now he wants me to buy him new ones, says he's embarrassed someone will see his pink undies. I told him to tell them he's my bitch, and that's what Mistress Lara likes him to wear.

Why are there so many feminine hygiene products, yet no male hygiene products whatsoever?? Have you noticed there's a WHOLE AISLE at the grocery store dedicated to the female reproductive organ? Let's see... there's douche, gel, deodorant spray, yeast infection treatment, itching cream, itching powder, 20 different kinds of tampons, 60 different kinds of pads... Have you seen these pads "with wings"? Where the hell is my pussy flying to? Mars? And what's with the "vinegar" douche? Am I planning to toss some salad down there? There are also 4 shelves filled with 54 different kinds of pregnancy tests. Seriously, all I really want is to find out whether I'm knocked up or not, a simple yes or no answer. Do I really need the option of finding out with "a blue line" or "a plus sign" or "two blue lines" or "a red dot"... This is getting way too complicated.
Then there's the condoms. Why are these located in the feminine hygiene aisle???Hmmmm??? Isn't that assuming that the woman is responsible for purchasing the damn things? I have NEVER seen a man buying condoms in a grocery store. Most men probably buy them from a drugstore, or order them online. Maybe the only time a guy would buy condoms in a grocery store is when his wife sends him to get her tampons ( I wouldn't know, my husband refuses to buy tampons or pads, and we've never used condoms).

Home make-over shows. Haven't they run out of sick, handicapped, poor, deformed, homeless, dying people already? Are these really the prerequisites necessary to get someone to help you? If I had any of the above problems, I would be too proud to write these shows and ask them to build me a new house for free. Can you imagine filming yourself, showing everyone in America the shithole you live in, your retarded son, your deformed daughter, your incontinent father and fat-ass mother, then begging for a new home? I am ashamed of these people and I curse everyone watching this shit and crying.

I'm really in a shitty mood today. I might need to up my meds.

Our lips are sealed

The sweet smell of shit

I hate it when women saturate themselves in perfume, then frolic around, stinking up the world.
Why should I have to deal with your nasty funk? It's not hiding the fact you haven't showered in a week, that sickly crotch rot stank emanating from your body, and your hair looks like wet straw. You've only added a new layer of nasty on your already putrid essence. If you're doing it to attract men, IT"S NOT GOING TO WORK. Unless you find a guy attracted to shit smell. Leaving a trail behind you is not attractive, it's fucking gross. If I walk down the aisle at the grocery store and can smell you from 20 feet away, you've been bathing in perfume, not merely dabbing it on. I don't care if you paid $600 an ounce, sprinkle it on sparingly, don't fucking baste yourself with it.
And by the way, you're not fooling anyone with those tits. The massive, cavernous space between them gives it away. You either overpaid the surgeon or got your tits done in Tijuana.
And your hair isn't naturally blond, your tan came from a spray bottle and you're not that tall without your shoes on.
Piss off, bitch.

Johnny Depp is a fucking loser.

What happened to the cool Johnny Depp??? You know, the one that did cool movies like Edward Scissorhands, Blow, even Cry-baby??? I fucking hate this new french-dipped, holier-than-thou, gold teeth wearing pirate motherfucker! Dave and I took Devyn to a movie and since I had no interest whatsoever in watching "Cars", Dave took my son and I went by myself to see another movie. My choices were so limited (Pulse, Superman Returns, all kinds of other shit) I decided to go see Pirates 2. Ten minutes into the movie, I wanted to slit my wrists, blind myself with hot pokers and shove cotton in my ears just to shut out all my senses from this inane drivel. The movie is a fucking waste of my $7 and of the producers $200 million +. Johnny Depp doesn't even act, he just mumbles his lines and sleepwalks through the scenery. Shame on him for wanting to be associated with this shit, and shame on me for even attempting to watch it.
Movies I liked:
Fight Club - even though I hate that pussy Brad Pitt
Snatch - again, a good movie, despite Pitt stain
Cinema Paradiso - you are ignorant if you haven't seen this movie
Best in Show - makes me piss my pants everytime
The Princess Bride - as you wish...
The Usual Suspects - keeps you guessing 'till the end, even when you've seen it 347 times
and lately:
V for Vendetta - so friggin' entertaining
The Matador - Pierce Brosnan's "fuck you" to James Bond
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Robert Downey Jr. is back, and he kicks ass!..and Val Kilmer as a homo is priceless.
A History of Violence - so violent and sexy at the same time
Cache - the French are really fucked up
Sin City - loved everything about it, especially Bruce Willis
The list of movies I hated is way too long to even mention... It's not that I think I'm too smart for some of the movie offerings nowadays, but really, you have to admit MOST of the movies in the last 10 years have been complete and total crap...especially when it now cost me $20(!!!!!) for admission, a small popcorn and a drink. I'd rather stay home and spend the $20 on an imaginary blow job.

I've got my eye on you

Video killed the good music star

I can't believe that in order to listen to halfway decent music while driving, I had to buy an IPod and download the music I enjoy. Remember the good old days when you could turn on your radio in the car and you could find some really cool music, whether from the 60's, 70's or 80's? I just bought a new car and it came with Sirius satellite radio, so I can finally choose exactly what I want to hear from more than 150 channels, each specializing in one type of music. I fluctuate between 60's and 80's hits...
Radio is slowly dying a very painful death: I was just reading in the paper Los Angeles lost their last "country" music station, they changed it from country to hip/hop crap. As if there aren't enough stations out there playing the same ole shit, like Justin Timberlake's new hit song "Sexy Back". Have you heard this piece of shit??? What about Fergie's "London Bridge"? If I ever run into either of those fuckers, I'm going to pound their faces in with my bare fists.
Check out Billboards Top 100... #1 Justin Timberlake, #2 Fergie, #3 Danity Kane (Sean "Puffy" Comb's made-up band of no-talent-sleazy hookers) #4 The Pussycat Dolls (yet another made-up band of even-less-talent-sleazy-hookers), #5 Beyonce (just one no-talent-super-sleazy-hooker-slut). What happened to real music? Are you telling me this is really what America is listening to and purchasing? Notice that none of the above so-called "artists" play an instrument or write their music.
Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just getting old and cranky and can't appreciate real talent. Or maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass, hell will freeze over and I'll grow a third boob smack between the other two.
Here's what I do like, some are old, some are relatively new, but it's all good music any sane person can enjoy:
The Beach Boys - their melodies and harmonies still give me goose bumps
The Beatles - need I say more? Masters....
The Police - Sting, stop screwing for two seconds and come back, we need you.
Nina Simone - a voice than can melt ice.
Ron Sexsmith - this guy is amazing, saw him in concert, made me want to cry
Turin Brakes - two brothers who play all instruments and write all music, with strange but captivating voices
Belle & Sebastian - consistently good through the years, even their brand new stuff.
Massive Attack - great music for making-out, during sex and after sex.
Radiohead - Thom Yorke is a genius.
Sergio Mendes - ultimate Brasilian music
Feist - mellow and relaxed
Neko Case - mysterious, elegant, spooky and romantic
Badly Drawn Boy - watch "About a Boy", greatest soundtrack to a movie, ever.

Justin-Britney-Christina-Fergie-Beyonce etc. can all kiss my ass.

Are you there God? It's me Lara...

Soooo glad I had David install a peephole in the front door, so that I can see who's there before I open it. I forgot we live next to a Mormon church, so once in a while we get those nice boys, all dressed up in their white shirts and ties, riding their bikes, trying to gain entry into my house and convert me to their religious beliefs. Once again, let me remind you that I am not against God, I am against organized religion and anyone trying to shove it down my throat (or up my ass for that matter) like I was a goose and they wanted to extract some godly foie gras out of me.
Today they left me a nice, colorful flier, stating the power of God and prayer, blahblahblah.... It got me thinking, though, just for a second, about what was written on it REALLY meant.

"Stand still and consider the wondrous works of God" - yeah, and while you're doing all that standing still, some younger and smarter person is stabbing you in the back and talking shit about you to your boss. Next thing you know, your ass is getting fired and you're home eating beans out of a can.

"God has poured out his love into our hearts"...along with a healthy dose of hate, paranoia, self-doubt, jealousy, insanity and other various dysfunctions.

"Who refreshes others will be refreshed" - what the fuck does that mean? If I buy a stranger a drink, he'll buy me one in return? What????

"It is more blessed to give than to receive" - what a blatant lie! Everyone of us has purchase that really cool gift for a family member or friend, spent a lot of time/money and put a lot of thought in it, only to be given a completely meaningless and ridiculous gift in return. "It's the thought that counts"... Yeah, well, next time that happens to me, I'm just going to take a shit in a box, wrap it up with a pretty bow and give it out with a smile. What?? I did a lot of thinking while I was taking that shit.

"I will never fail you or forsake you" - tell that to the thousands of people dying in the Middle East. They pray to God every second of every day, yet people are still getting killed. Unless...maybe that's what they're praying for. To get killed. In which case the statement is true.

"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God" - this leads me to believe heaven is filled with only with the handicapped, the mentally challenged and babies. Maybe puppies. That's about it. And the occasional nun.

I've given you a topic. Discuss.

Rate your mate...Part Three

My rating from 0 to 11 was not enough. One of my friends decided to grace us with a detailed description of a 12. This explanation was originally in French, so forgive me if something gets lost in the translation.

First off, I must point out that if the female in this couple is not herself a 12, there are few chances his talents will develop to their full extent. In other words, imagine a male 12 with a female 4 on a deserted island...We would soon observe the male subject dry up, drool extensively, then finally drown himself with a rock tied to a rope. The opposite is also true: a female 12 with a male 4 would invariably have the same results.
So a 12:

-Not only does the 12 like to cook, but everything he prepares is delicious. He knows that to prepare a tasty menu, he must shop for only the freshest fruits and vegetables at the local farmer's market, staying away from imported foods so that he doesn't get his ass kicked by the local growers.

-He does the laundry, folds all the clothes (including socks), irons (if necessary), washes dishes (even when he does the cooking), changes his sheets, waters the plants, cleans his abode and finally welcomes his visiting honey with a glass of red Cinzano and a twist of lemon, freshly shaven ( the guy, not the lemon) and suggests they watch Out of Africa on DVD, while gently caressing her back with his fingertips.

-A 12 doesn't own a television. He is convinced that only 0.02 % of all television shows are worth watching, therefore the purchase of such a brain-drain machine is a waste. He does enjoy the occasional film watched on his Apple 21" screen or enjoyed at the cinema.

-His penis size is not important, as long as it doesn't appear to be half a toothpick, whereas upon its sight, a female can only laugh. It also should not be the circumference of a baobab tree, nor the length of a sequoia, which would cause the female to wonder exactly where she can stick all of it. ("if you pull out about 10 inches, I can start moving my head")
Also, it is worth remembering that the bigger the member, the harder it needs to pump to maintain a justifiable hardness to perform the job to a satisfying end.

-The size of his tongue does not matter, as long as he doesn't stop until his bed mate stops screaming or asks him to stop immediately. He must also manifest own enjoyment while practicing what we call in French "la tarte au poils" (hair pie) and a 12 would not let himself be deterred even if his partner had her monthly visit. (if you answer "that's disgusting", you have just been relegated to a 4)

-A 12 is able to make you forget your name while ignoring his own needs, so if you are tired after your earth-shattering climax, go to sleep and don't worry about me, ejaculation does not mean the night is over, once you are awake, it can go on for hours longer.

-A 12 knows to use what nature has provided him and can make the moment last forever. Lest things start going soft, the female partner shouldn't despair, as a 12 uses this time to merely get up to place another bottle of wine in the refrigerator and pull out the capers for some salmon toast, before going back into battle, lighthearted and fancy free.

-A 12 is ready to go anywhere and anytime his partner wants to, and if the female is also a 12, anytime and anywhere mean all the time.

-A 12 pees sitting down so that there isn't any backsplash on the toilet seat or floor (furthermore, he cleans the toilet and floor)

All this to explain that to each his/her own, and in a romantic fashion, we can say that two people who love each other are like 2 pieces of a puzzle that only contains two pieces. Except that of course, when you put two pieces of a puzzle together, one of them doesn't start screaming in complete ecstasy: "Oh, yes! YES!YES! Stick me in the right spot!"

To recap: the most important trait of a 12 is that he doesn't own a television.

Ladies, when your significant other returns home tonight, smack him in the back of the head and make him read this.

P.S.: Girlfriend of aforementioned 12 assures me this description is absolutely, totally and completely precise and accurate.

I wanna dance with Osama

Here's another golden nugget plucked right out of the news:

"Obsessed bin Laden wanted to kill Whitney Houston's husband"-
"Terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden is so obsessed with singer Whitney Houston he thought about killing her husband, Bobby Brown, it was claimed last night by Sudanese poet and novelist Kola Boof, who also says she was held hostage by bin Laden for 4 months 10 years ago and used as a sex slave."
Boof says bin Laden "had a paramount desire for Houston and although he claimed her music was evil, he spoke of spending vast amounts of money to come to America and arrange a meeting with the superstar."
"He explained to me that to possess Whitney he would be willing to break his color rule and make her one of his many wives."

Now, why aren't we using this information to our advantage? It should be easy to find him now, just check around to see who's been renting "The Bodyguard" or "Waiting to Exhale" and is having them delivered to a cave.
Can't we just hit two birds with one stone? On one side you've got the biggest threat to our society, on the other, bin Laden.
We send a love letter to Osama (or Sam, as his closest pals refer to him) pretending it comes from Whitney, with little hearts and flowers drawn on it, smelling of her perfume, setting up a meeting at a seedy motel right off Interstate 10. Then we call Whitney and say her drug pimp has a new shipment of the latest crack cocaine hitting the streets and wants her to try it. They meet up in the room, the FBI busts down the doors and in the ensuing gun fight, both Sam and Whitney lose their life.
End of story. End of war.
Do I even have to tell the FBI how to do their jobs, now?
Osamama (as the bitches like to call him) probably does not realize present-day Whitney really has nothing left of 1990's Whitney. She is now a skinny, two-dime crack whore, with a fucked-up weave, who couldn't even pick up a trick on Sunset Strip if she was naked, bent over, with her hands parting her crack and a big neon sign advertising her pussy for free.
"You Give Good Love" my ass, that bitch doesn't even give a crap the drugs are making her teeth and hair fall out.
Furthermore, would Ossie be willing to stick a couple of his fingers in Whitney's ass when she was having a hard time taking a shit, like Bobby had to do numerous times, to help her relax and let the load out? I don't think so.

"Boof also says bin Laden's favorite T.V. shows are the Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver."

Damn you, Richard Dean Anderson! Once again, your suave charm and wicked gadget wizardry have put this nation in terrible danger! Where else do you think Osama got the idea to hijack a plane armed with only a nail file, nail clippers,a box cutter and shiv made out of a sharpened Bic pen???? Fucking MacGyver!...And the damn reruns are still on! Soon, he's going to figure out how to make a nuclear bomb out of a paper clip, a piece of string and some laundry detergent, then we'll really be in for some serious shit.
I wonder if Osama had a crush on Winnie Cooper like the rest of us. I also wonder if he identifies with the "Crockett" or "Tubbs" character from Miami Vice.

"In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the Star magazine, as well as copies of Playboy," says Boof.

First off: Kola Boof. Doesn't that sound like she's a character from Star Wars? Like one of the members of Jabba the Hut's house band?
Playboy? Well, what else do you want him to spank his dirty monkey to? Afghani porn? "Oh, yeah, look at those eyes and those ankles...They're making me hotter than a three-humped camel ride to Khabul!"
As for Star magazine, here is how I envision a little exchange between Osama and a follower:

ABDULLAH: "Master, here are the gossip magazines your highness requested. May the Light of Allah Bless You. Death to the Infidels!"

OSAMA: "Salam Aleikum, Abdullah. Now leave me to enjoy this measly moment of joy in my otherwise shit-filled life...Wait, what is this? You got me "InStyle" and "Us" magazines? Where is the "Star" magazine? It is the only one who speaks the truth! How am I supposed to know if Jen and Vince are engaged? If anyone has seen Suri Cruise? If Paris Hilton has peed her pants and what color panties she was wearing today? You son of mongrel dog! You shall be punished for this! Jihad on you, your wife and children! Jihad on your parents! Jihad on your pets! Jihad on your dry cleaner! Take him away, and chop off his hands, so that he may remember this day!...And bring me my fucking the "Star" magazine!"

ABDULLAH: "No, na baba! Loftan! Bebakhshid!" (No, you must be joking, please, sorry!)

END SCENE

The trouble with boobs

If you are reading this and you are a guy, you cannot possibly understand the trauma of having breasts. Therefore, please do not even attempt to read this post, or, if you read it, attempt to sympathize with me and the millions of other women out there with gigantic breasts.
I hate my boobs. There is nothing about my boobs that is in any way helpful to me in my daily life. I need legs to walk, arms and hands to grab things, eyes to see, mouth to eat, etc. But my boobs have absolutely no useful function whatsoever. I can't walk on them, I can't grab things with them (unless you consider being able to store a pencil on the underside of my boob "grabbing" something), they certainly don't help me see anything ( I haven't been able to see my toes while standing for about 20 years) and I always end up getting food stains on them when I eat.
Each boob has the exact circumference of my head, making it possible for me to wear hats on my chest, or a bra on my head.
I used to say that people would be able to recognize my kids at the playground 'cause they would be the ones with stretchmarks around their mouths.
I have constant back pain, I can't sleep on my stomach, I can't shop at Victoria's Secret and I can't run without risking severe injury and bruising to my face.
In conclusion, I think God has a shitty sense of humor. I've never seen a guy with testicles so big he can't walk.

Stupid is what stupid does..

Unless I get in a severe car accident during which the top half of my head gets sheared off and I remain lobotomized for the rest of my life, I don't think I will ever be successful as one of today's most famous actresses, singers or models. I think I lack the obvious qualifications needed to spout senseless and completely idiotic quotes, as the ladies below so wonderfully demonstrate:

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place, if it's true lightness." Alicia Silverstone, actress

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." Brooke Shields

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
"I don't like defining myself. I just am." Britney Spears, singer

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all the flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey, singer

"So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" Christina Aguilera, singer

"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to." Linda Evangelista, model

'nuff said.

Totally useless and pointless questions and rants

1. How did Paris Hilton get a recording contract? Don't you need talent? I just saw the video for "Stars are Blind." What an absolute pile of fresh cow dung. I've heard throat cancer patients sing better. Is she illiterate(if she even wrote the song)? I'm not even sure if she's talking about stars in the astrological sense, or about actual blind stars, like Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder. If she can get a contract, then maybe I can too. I'm currently working on my first single "Fish Have No Feet." It's going to be on my "Stating the Fucking Obvious" CD.

2. I was looking at "weird news" on the net and came across a story about a morbidly obese woman who went to the hospital for pain and gave birth to a kid, even though she didn't know she was pregnant. How can you get to the point where you are so fat that you don't notice you're knocked up? Shouldn't you notice the added weight of an entire human being centered around your middle section? I've eaten whole babies before. You can tell when one is inside you. They put up quite a fight.

3. Couple of things that really get on my nerves:
People who, when you tell them a joke or make an amusing comment, say "That's so funny!" If it's so funny, then laugh, dickhead! Wouldn't it be quicker and easier to laugh than to say "that's so funny" with a straight face? These people deserve their own corner in hell, where the devil would spend hours rubbing hot chili peppers on the sensitive skin between their assholes and private parts.
Have you ever been with someone, seen something a little unusual and they had the audacity to say "Now I've seen everything." You fucking moron! I bet I can think of thousands of things you haven't seen. Have you seen a banana eat a monkey? Have you seen a human with the genitalia of an ant? Have you seen my foot kick you so hard in the balls that your mother feels it in her ovaries? I didn't think so...

4. Can deaf people be diagnosed with schizophrenia? I was wondering if deaf people can "hear" voices in their heads or if they can only picture a person signing in their head.

Ahhhhhh... Now I feel a little better. Just needed to get a few things off my chest.

Damn, Mom, I'll write in my blog later! Just five more minutes! Gosh! I'm getting up already!

How do I feel? Mmmmm.....I feel slightly better than if I had gotten a colonoscopy without any anesthesia, but worse than if I had been kicked repeatedly in the balls. If I had balls. Which I do, but they are hidden inside and called ovaries.
Every time my drug-induced haze wears off, I realize I probably shouldn't let my son run around with those scissors and playing with matches. Call me crazy, but I swear the makers of Nyquil are putting some serious hermaph...no, halophili...no, necrophil...shit, that ain't it either...hallucinogenic compounds in their product, 'cause I've been having some seriously disturbing dreams... I mean, how the hell does the abominable snowman end up in my dream? This one was a doozy:
I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a car while the yeti is driving, with accordion music blaring through the speakers. I am wearing a lime green leotard with yellow polka dots on it and a firefighters hat. I look in the back seat, there's a freakin' baboon sitting back there, wearing a rain slicker and playing the bagpipes. I am trying to tell him to be careful of something, then I wake up. What the hell was that all about???
There are two possibilities: either I need to reduce my drug intake drastically, or I need to see a psychiatrist. I am open to suggestions.
I am going back to bed in a few minutes, minus the magic juice. If the yeti comes back, I'm going to kick HIM in the balls, see how he likes it.

Rate your Mate...Part Deux.

Shit...How can I possibly type with one fucking hand??? I have to stop every .02 seconds, as my body has decided to expel every ounce of liquid in the form of projectile emissions of mucus out of my nose and mouth... I've already used up a whole box of Kleenex, with no relief in sight. Bear with me as I try to wade through my feverish mind and pull out a few organized thoughts.
After many e-mails asking me to add a few ratings to my list, I've consulted with my panel of experts and come up with the following:

11. An 11 is very similar to a 10, but instead of one large penis, it has 6 distinctly different appendages, each of them removable and allocated with a self-regulating vibrator. It also possesses an anal sweep-capacitator, allowing for the insertion of a broom, so that daily cleaning chores can be carried on while performing oral sex.

0. At the totally opposite end of the spectrum, a rating of 0 can only be found in select hospitals around the world. This man has most likely endured a very severe tiger attack, during which his penis and balls were sheared off at the base, resulting in a gaping, pus-filled cavity. This accident has left him in a constant comatose state and loss of all bodily functions is usually present.

I think my temp just hit 104 degrees. I'm gonna go drink a gallon of Nyquil and sleep for 12 hours. Peace out.

What does your mate rate?

To clear up any confusion, I've come up with a flawless rating system for men that not only takes appearance into consideration, but also personality and presence of venereal disease.

10. This one is purely hypothetical, as I have never encountered it, but like the legend of the unicorn, worth considering. His features would most likely include (but not limited to) having a 14" long and 5" round penis, a 7" middle finger, a 10" tongue and the ability to perform oral sex while picking up his clothes and putting down the toilet seat.

9. Still mostly relegated to folklore, a rating of 9 is reserved for the independently wealthy guy, who loves to shop, cook, clean, cried during "Beaches", loves to give us backrubs, loves to give oral sex and doesn't mind looking at our assholes when we tell him we think we have an hemorrhoid.

8. The highest realistic rating on the scale, 8's are usually downgraded to 7's or 6's after their inevitable sexual tendencies and hygiene habits start to emerge. This emergence generally takes 2-3 weeks to arrive, like something you order off TV.

7. Good-looking, straight, fairly good hygiene, a 7 is marriage material.

6. Fun for one-night stands, but you wake up in the morning in his dorm room/bedroom in his parent's house and realize drinking all those Yagermeister shots probably wasn't a good idea.

5. 5's are a dime a dozen. The typical normal guy, who just does normal guy things, owns all "Rocky" movies and still masturbates to Playboy.

4. This is where things start to go downhill. A 4 is most likely coherent and generally aware of their surroundings, but once in private, reveals he is really into "anal sex", has a collection of over 500 porno tapes, plays X-Box 23 hours a day and has therefore lost all connection with reality.

3. Unlike a 4, a 3 lacks not only general awareness of their surroundings, but also lack a conscious understanding of time, thought and their own existence. Also, morbidly obese, hairy, hasn't washed his undercarriage in days, has a collection of empty beer bottles filled with own urine and ugly beyond the possibility of surgical repair.

2. Now we start to get to the other extreme end of the spectrum and just as was the case with 10's and 9's, 2's and 1's are thankfully rare, if not mythical. A 2 would not only possess numerous distinguishable hideous physical disfigurements, such as severe back acne, swollen boils ready to burst on selected parts of their body/face, possibly a eunuch or hermaphrodite, covered in a thick blanket of hair (including their palms), nail fungus, halitosis and aggravated flatulence, but also a severe mental condition that could lead to violent oubursts and possibly Tourette's Syndrome.

1. 1's are literally beyond my comprehension. I don't feel I am professionally qualified to evaluate such man. I can only assume that any physical contact with a 1 would undoubtedly result in an immediate fusing of the skin between your vagina lips and blindness.

Feel free to leave your own list/responses/improvements/ideas in the comments.

Frank Sinatra is turning over in his grave...

Las Vegas: Sin City.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Vegas: Come with a money bag, leave in a body bag.
and now:
Las Vegas: Don't shit where you sleep.

Why is it the goddamn politicians always have to ruin it for everyone? I mean, really, who hasn't gone to Vegas, lost a ton of money, gotten shit-faced and then taken a huge crap right on the sidewalk? Fuck public restrooms, sometimes when you have to go, you have to go. Now these bastard city officials dare to tell me where I can or can't take a shit???

"Las Vegas Passes Public Defecation Law"

"Las Vegas - City officials have made it illegal to sleep within 500 feet of urine or feces.
The new ordinance makes it illegal to "knowingly establish" sleeping quarters near defecation unless that "deposit" is made in an appropriate sanitary facility. It was passed unanimously by the Las Vegas City Council as a part of a bill making it a misdemeanor to go to the bathroom in public."

-Gentlemen, stick your dick back in your pants and zip up. No urinating in Las Vegas streets.

"City Attorney Brad Jerbic says the council will consider a revised version of the ordinance that shortens the distance between sleeper and deposit."

-If you must take a shit or piss, make sure to carry a measuring tape with you.

"An ordinance making it illegal to feed homeless people in parks passed July 19th and a lawsuit was filed shortly after by the ACLU saying the ordinance violates civil rights."

-Don't feed the homeless, they might bite...giving you an excuse to sue the city for assault. If you feel you must feed them, do so at your own risk. Also, don't give them any foods high in fiber or any dairy products, as this will create loose bowels and increase the amount of daily "deposits", making it hard for them to establish a "safe" distance between their "sleeping cardboard box" and their "defecation cardboard box."

THIS IS A TRUE, FACTUAL STORY TAKEN DIRECTLY FROM ASSOCIATED PRESS.

Yooo-Hooo....and a bottle of rum!

I don't know if I should be more shocked by the fact that Mel Gibson is an alcoholic or the fact he is racist. Since I can't really identify with the latter, I'll concentrate on the liquor consumption.

"May he who has never touched the stuff, cast the first stone!"

Here is a list of some of my favorite concoctions:
Mojito
Cosmopolitan
Long Island Ice Tea
Screwdriver
Greyhound
Straight Vodka
Straight Gin
Straight Rum
Light Beer
Dark Beer
White Wine
Blush
and finally, the most important one,
Red Wine

Here's a list of the things I've done and said under the influence of one or more of the previous list:
1. got really plastered in Juarez, Mexico. Tried to cross the border back into the US while still drunk of my ass, when border patrol agent asked me what my nationality was, answered (complete with accent) "I am Russian! Russki! I am here to take over this country one vodka shot at a time!" Was held in immigration office for 5 hours, until I sobered up.

2. got really, really plastered in Juarez, Mexico. Did about 10 tequila and Sprite shooters, followed by a bucket of Corona beer, then took off my top and walked around in my bra.

3. tried not to get really plastered in Juarez, Mexico. Ran into some friends who were going to a really seedy bar, decided to accompany them. 3 buckets of Corona and 2 Long Island Ice Teas later, saw the most hilarious yet disturbing donkey show and a woman inserting oranges into her hole and smoking a cigarette through said hole. Laughed until I puked.

4. got really plastered in Juarez, Mexico. Did about 10 shots of tequila at Fred's Rainbow Bar, ate an avocado and cheese sandwich, had a couple of more shots, then screamed "I love all you burrito-eating motherfuckers!" and promptly vomited all over the bar owner.

What does this have to do with Mel Gibson, you say? Let's see....
1. I am not Russian, even though I claimed to be while drunk
2. I am not an exhibitionist
3. I am not depraved and insane
and most importantly:
4. I AM NOT A RACIST!!

What we do or say while virtually soaking in an alcohol bath should not be taken seriously.
Even though I think it's fucking hilarious that he called one of the women officers "sugar tits".

Please, someone give that man the Nobel Peace Prize!

Here are some familiar names and past winners in chronological order, starting with the least recent:
1906 Theodore Roosevelt
1919 Woodrow Wilson
1964 Martin Luther King
1979 Mother Teresa
1989 the Dalai Lama
1993 Nelson Mandela
1994 Yasser Arafat
2001 Kofi Annan
2003 Jimmy Carter

I would like to officially nominate my candidate for this year's Nobel Peace Price. Before I mention his name, here is a little background:
He is one of the founding members of the 80's rap group Public Enemy
He single-handedly started the whole "wearing a huge clock around your neck" fashion
He has his name spelled out on his front teeth in platinum
He has ingested more drugs than any drug mule flying in from Colombia
He was arrested countless times
He made us all throw up in our mouths a little bit when he kissed Brigitte Nielsen on TV

Flavor Flav can be described by all the above and more, but it is his humanitarian work that really stands out and makes him the perfect candidate for such an esteemed award.
To prove my point, I will quote a recent interview in Entertainment Weekly:

"On a new episode of the second season of my show, The Flavor of Love, one of the girls takes a shit on my floor," he says. (Apparently, she couldn't hold it until the bathroom break) "I kept her around anyway just to show everybody that accidents do happen, and I can forgive."

"To err is human, to forgive, divine." Please contact the Nobel Foundation right away and join me in awarding this candidate the praise he so justly deserves.

FLAVOR FLAV IN 2007!!

Things I learned from HBO

I couldn't get to sleep last night, so as a last resort, to bore myself into a coma, I turned on the TV and watched "The Aristocrats" on HBO. If you haven't seen it, or haven't heard of it, get in your car and go rent it right now.
It will be the greatest lesson you'll ever learn, simply an awakening of the senses, kind of like a rebirth. There are things you can learn from this movie that you cannot learn from any book, not even the dictionary.
Here are a few new words I learned:

DIRTY SANCHEZ
RUSTY TROMBONE
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

I was craving more. It was as if Plato, Aristotle, Ghandi and Einstein were living together, had placed an ad in the paper for a 5th roommate and had chosen me to share their digs. I wanted to know everything.
It took me a total of .34 seconds to do a google search and find "www.urbandictionary.com". As soon as I entered the website, angels started singing, the heavens opened up and a golden shower caressed my face. (More on the golden shower later).
Basically, you can now combine any two words that have absolutely nothing to do with each other and come up with a definition for some absolutely, disgustingly vile sex act. Seriously, try it. If you don't believe me, here are some examples:

CINCINNATI BOWTIE
CLEVELAND STEAMER
HOT CARL
ANGRY DRAGON
MUSHROOM STAMP
CINNAMON ROLL
DONKEY PUNCH
ABE LINCOLN

I also found out about golden showers, and that DIRTY SANCHEZ also has a few cousins, named DIRTY RAMIREZ, DIRTY RODRIGUEZ and DIRTY SANTOS.
The website is updated hourly and now boasts thousands upon thousands of definitions.
There are definitely a lot of scholarship-holding college students out there with way too much time on their hands and a really sick lifestyle.

This portion of the news brought to you by Preparation H

Yet another reason why I don't watch TV anymore... The fucking news are out of control.

NEWSCASTER:

" Today's top news: A woman walking in Presidents Park heard a chirping sound and upon investigating, discovered a mother duck standing by an open sewage manhole. She noticed the duck acted very terrified and impatient, almost directing the woman to look into the manhole. The woman then noticed 4 little ducklings had fallen in and could not get out. She dialed 911, who alerted police and rescue crews, along with the newly formed "Group of National Association Duck Safety", also known as "GONADS", to perform a daring and dangerous rescue mission. After failing to bring out the ducklings with their existing equipment, a special crane was flown in from New York, especially invented for duck rescues. Following 20 tentatives, and the unfortunate maiming of one of the rescuers, the 4 ducklings were finally brought up top to safety, where they were met by their desperate mother. The fate of the injured rescuer is not yet known: doctors have mentioned life saving amputation. The ducklings are now resting peacefully at the downtown Hilton, where they will enjoy a few days of lavish luxury. Denver's mayor has now delegated a special group of investigators to find out exactly what happened and report to him, so that any further accidents can be prevented. A bill is also being passed through Congress, tentatively named "No Duck Left Behind!", which will ensure the continued protection of this wonderful species in danger of extinction."
"Now, here's your World News In 30 Seconds:
5000 people died in Iraq today
A bomb on a Paris train injures 200 school children
A large meteor struck the Vatican, sending thousands to area hospitals
The black plague is making a comeback in rural China
200 Bird Flu cases reported in Madrid, Spain
Cure for cancer found
4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse sighted having half caf/half decaf caramel vanilla lattes at local Starbucks
Son of God makes triumphant return
....And now here's Kathy with your weekend weather!"

Paging Dr. Patch Adams, Stat!!

I've been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices a lot in the last few years, so I decided to test a theory of mine.

(Right after I had surgery removing 10 inches of my intestine. Had to have daily rectal exams while in the hospital for two weeks.)

ME: (right after doctor inserts his finger) "What, not even a little foreplay?"

DOCTOR: .............(awkward silence)


(2nd attempt)

ME: "So what do you think doc, am I a couple of quarts low?"

DOCTOR: ..............(even more awkward silence)


(At my gynecologist office, with my legs on the stirrups and speculum inserted)

ME: "While you're in there, would you mind looking for my keys? I lost them a couple of days ago."

DOCTOR: ............(blank stare)


(Right after a breast exam and a mammogram)

ME: "So...was it as good for you as it was for me?"

DOCTOR: ............(slight reddening of ears, but complete silence)

ROBIN WILLIAMS IS A FUCKING LIAR!!
Doctors have NO fucking sense of humor!

Where's my fucking gun???

I just received this e-mail a few hours ago... It is absolutely real and in no way whatsoever altered or faked.
Now do you understand why I rant??

Ladies and Gentlemen....Meet Rosy Palmer.

Sex is everywhere. You can't turn your head anywhere without being bombarded with pure, unadulterated sexual innuendos.
How do you guys even function properly? The temptation must be overwhelming. Gone are the days when you used to look in the mailbox for your mommy's Sears catalog, just so you could look at the lingerie ad and mentally imagine just exactly what was under those big, bulky grandma undies.
I just watched TV for the last 20 minutes, and mind you, it's day time, not even primetime TV and my eyes are burning from all the sex. I mean, really, how do you guys do it?????
"Look, the View is on! Gonna rub one out to Barbara Walters."
"An ad for Vagisil. Gotta rub one out just 'cause it includes the word "vagi"."
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine...Yeah, I'd like to "deep space nine" her hole! Gotta rub one out."
"E! True Hollywood Story on Tori Spelling. She looks a little down-syndromy with her big bug eyes, but what the hell, I'll rub one out."
"Essence of Emeril. I'll rub one out, just because. And I kinda like he uses "essence" in the title."
"Shit, Sports Center is on ESPN in 5 minutes. Do I have time for one more? Hell yes."

I had a friend that liked to masturbate to cooking shows. Somehow, it really turned him on when the chef talked about "pounding and tenderizing the meat." I also had another friend who used to let his right hand fall asleep, so that when he masturbated, it felt like it was someone else's hand.

How can us wives or girlfriends compete with that??? We come home from work or school, after you've already been home for a couple of hours and find you completely spent.
"Hey honey, wanna go upstairs and mess around??" "Nah, I'm tired and I really have a headache. Besides, "Spanking the Monkey" is on in a few minutes, and I really don't want to miss it."

Chico and the Man

I am so fucking sick and tired of hearing about our immigration "problem". Are we all forgetting what kind of people built this nation? Is it not called "the melting pot"? I mean, come on, I went to eat at a restaurant called "the Melting Pot", and they had like 24 different kinds of fondues, using 378 different kinds of cheeses and meats to boil in 61 different liquids.
Isn't this country exactly like that?
If I hear one more person talking about "illegal aliens", I'm going to fucking put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.

Unless you are a Native American Indian, YOU ARE A FUCKING ILLEGAL ALIEN, ASSHOLE!

"No way, man, I'm a proud American!" - Yeah, and your grand parents, or great-grand parents, or your great-great-grandparents didn't come here by boat from another country... What difference does it make if instead of a boat, our new immigrants chose to just walk across the water?

"They're taking all our jobs away!" - no, asshole, you are just too damn busy sitting on your ass in your double wide, sipping on a warm Pabst Blue Ribbon, watching Jerry Springer, to go out and get a job...besides, being on welfare is so much easier.
And who the hell wants to go work at McDonalds, be a janitor, mow lawns or park cars when you have an 8th grade education? Those remedial jobs are wayyyy above your mental capacity.

"They are living off our taxes!" - once again, asshole, you are wrong. Go to any unemployment office and check out the waiting line. Chances are 8 out of 10 people waiting are white. Go to a grocery store and check out who pays with food stamps...more than likely to buy booze. Our taxes would be even higher if said immigrants didn't perform jobs the rest of you losers refuse to do.

"They keep having way too many kids!" - now, asshole, this one I agree with a little bit. Come one people, do you really want a 10th little bundle of joy? Another mouth to feed? And anyway, aren't' you running out of names, unless you start using "junior"? But this problem applies to both white trash and immigrants: JUST PUT THE DICK DOWN! Go watch some reality TV and eat some popcorn instead.

In the famous words of Rodney King Jr.: "Can't we all just get along???"
I won't make fun of your obesely fat ass, your sitting-on-bricks house with wheels, ridiculous mullet haircut, idiotic sense of humor (see Jeff Foxworthy) and your fucking gigantic truck...if you don't make fun of my burritos.

The League of Extraordinary Lesbians

Remember when gays were shunned, hidden by their mothers in dark rooms and relegated to hair salons??
They're slowly taking over the world. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I love the gays! Most of my lifelong friends are gay, so I'm just repeating what they tell me. They are organizing, I tell you. Soon there will be armies of gay guys, along with gay recruiting offices where they will give you pamphlets praising the life style and discussing how many options there are in the workplace for a gay guy:
1. the "cool" high school gay teacher
2. the "secretary's best friend" office gay
3. the "I'm gay, but I still like football" banker, or as referred to by Lance Bass, the "straight acting gay" or "SAG"
4. the "serious" gay lawyer
5. the "gay" hairdresser
etc. Really, the list is endless.
Turn on your T.V... Every show now has a homosexual on it.
You like reality shows? Okay, there is always the token gay guy on "Survivor", the gay couple on "Amazing Race", the gay singer on "American Idol", the gay casts of "Project Runway" or any other cooking/sewing/interior design show.
Don't even get me started with HBO, Skinmax and company: every featured show on those channels has a gay guy.
Soprano's: check. Six Feet Under: check. Entourage: check. Weeds, Taxicab Confessions, Curb your Enthusiasm: check, check, check.
So, what I really want to know, is WHERE MY SISTERS AT??? Why are the lesbians being ignored? If you don't count "the L Word," there isn't one other show on television which features lesbians. AND, I DON'T WANT ANY LIPSTICK LESBIANS EITHER!
I want to see a show with some real dykes, you know, the ones who have a mullet, wear khakis and comfortable slip on shoes and have names like Pat, Alex, Andy, Danny, Bobby, Jessie...
If we all start writing letters and sending e-mails to our local and national television stations, I bet we can have a nice lesbian show on the air by the end of the year! Maybe we could call it the new "Leave it to Beaver".

God works in mysterious ways...

I believe in God. And I'm not just saying that because I'm afraid a big lightning bolt is going to kill me on the spot, but because I was raised in a Catholic family and furthermore, I don't really see anything wrong with believing in a higher being...But I do think God is up there, looking down on us, saying "Where the fuck did I go wrong??"
I think humanity was like a pet project for God, like a 7th grade science project gone bad.

GOD: "Miss Perkins, here is my science project. A fully working model of a planet and its ecosystem, complete with people
and swimming pools!"

MISS PERKINS: " Good job, God. B+."

GOD: "B+? That's just horseshit! Look at it again! The people have feelings and real hair and everything!"

MISS PERKINS: "Yes, but did you really think it through? What about the hole in the ozone layer, the greenhouse effect...and
have you considered what would happen if the ice caps melted? Don't you watch the Discovery channel?
Plus, the people are fucking crazy. Look at those two women sucking off a horse over there.. and then
there's two guys getting married. I know from your midterm essay how much you hate that."

GOD: "Yeah, I guess you're right...But you have to admit the retarded people are pretty funny!:

MISS PERKINS: "I sometimes really don't know about you, God... Now go sit down!...and spit out your gum."

END SCENE

Now don't get your panties in a bunch and get all offended, it was just some God-fearing humor.

Remember the 80's? Remember Cock Robin?

After the last post, I thought I was being wayyyy to sexist about feminine hygiene. So here goes the same for you guys:
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, SHAVE YOUR NETHER REGIONS!
Here is a list of excuses I've been given and reasons why they should not be followed:

1. "IT MAKES MY PENIS LOOK BIGGER AND LONGER"

Yeah, and if you measure it from the top of your ass crack around, it's actually 14 inches long. NOTHING, and I say nothing, will make your penis look larger than it is. No amount of shaving, or artful make-up shading will make it seem bigger.
The only thing that would work is for you to walk with a rather large magnifying glass taped to your dick.


2. "MY GIRLFRIEND LIKES IT SHAVED"

No, no, we don't. You've just been watching way too many porno movies. Those guys shave it so that it looks better under the bright lights of a movie set, so unless you are preparing to have sex on a brightly-lit football field, leave the hair alone.


3. "IT MAKES ME LOOK YOUNGER"

Really, now, you're just being silly. I have a 3 year old son and I'm not walking around telling everyone what a beautiful penis he has! Your penis is ugly, whether hard, flaccid, in the morning, at night, in bright lights or in total darkness. It's just not pretty. At any age. We don't try to guess your age by how low your balls are hanging.
True story, one of my brother's friends actually went into a cosmetic store and asked for anti-aging cream for his scrotum: he thought the wrinkles on his balls made him look older.

4. "IT FEELS BETTER IN MY UNDERWEAR"

That's a lie! I've talked to quite a few guys who say their balls get hot and much sweatier without the thin protection of hair.

In conclusion, you don't have to go to these extremes to make us happy. Just wipe your ass at least twice every time you take a dump and wash your balls at least once every couple of days.

Leave Bush alone!

Could life really have come down to this? That there are actually open discussions about a woman's intimate garden on television, radio, movies and magazines? How I long for the 1970's, when a nice hirsute bush was the norm.
Now it's "The Brazilian", "The Landing Strip", "The Bald and the Beautiful"...oh, and also "The 4-year old bush", the "look, I'm going through puberty" and "the Bonsai".
PUT THE RAZOR DOWN! If you don't ever shave it in the first place, there is no danger of it becoming "hair shorts".
I had a friend that not only had her snatch waxed, but also did her ass. Is anyone really looking that close? Are you planning to have a colonoscopy and you want your doctor to say "wow, what a great looking asshole!'? She even complained that her crack seemed to sweat more after it was shorn and that she had to apply underarm deodorant in her ass to avoid tell-tale signs.
I just read an article in one of those stupid women magazines about a new fad: getting your asshole bleached. Because, seriously, who wouldn't love to not have tan lines on their holes, to have the same color skin on your butt cheeks and your crack. I guess if you usually tan in the sun with your ass in the air, spreading your cheeks, it would be nice not to have to wear sunblock down there.
Then, there was an article in Playboy about plastic surgery on vaginas. Many women complain that their labias are uneven, that the right is bigger than the left. Or that their labia minora sticks outside of their labia majora.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I'm just waiting for the moron who goes in and asks for the "big Angelina Jolie pussy lips".

No smoking in Colorado

The end of the world is near: there's no smoking in bars in Colorado. Coming soon: no drinking and no talking. I don't smoke, but what the fuck do I care if some asshole wants to pollute his lungs, yellow his teeth and smell like an ashtray? Let's just build some glass cages with some tables and chairs, a seal-proof door, no ventilation, pack the smokers in there like sardines, then sit outside and watch them, throwing peanuts at them like zoo animals in cages and taunt them with: "nanee, nanee, you're gonna get cancer! You're gonna die!" Then, when the smoke in there really gets too thick for us to see anything, we open the doors and hose them down with gallons of stale beer.
Alcohol is a bad habit too, but you don't see restaurants with no-drinking sections.
Yeah for cancer sticks!